Convo

me: it's not that, maybe

i just don't think he loves me enough to change

i don't know if we can get through this

Elysse: Listen I don't believe that an individual remains unchanged thru their lifetime

We are constantly changing

Even subtley

I think that in this situation he is already 'changed' I think fear just gets in the way

Fear of the unknown

Fear that he could care about you so much that he could be happy with you the rest of his life

That you are the person he fell in love with

The media hypes this stuff up so much that when it actually happens it is so scary

Kate the fact of the matter is

Having you in his life makes it harder to take the easy way out

And harder to become the better person that's inside him (that we all know is inside each one of us)

That may be scary for him (like it is for joe)

me: that was... possibly the best thing i've heard in a while

he can't pull his bullshit on me

he told me that

he said that i'm one of the two women in his life who he can't pull bullshit with

Elysse: Exactly!

me: the other being his ex-fiancee

Elysse: We call them out

me: which means that he has to take a long hard look at himself

if he wants to make this work

Elysse: That scares him!

He is afraid he's gonna get hurt again!

No matter how frequently you tell him otherwise its hard for him to internalize that!

me: yes.

yes.

you're right.

I Just Plain Hate You Sometimes

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you for needing space.

I understand where you're coming from. And fuck you.

Kate, breathe. This is a big deal. If you can give him space this week and next week, think about how much better it will be for you. For him. For you and for him.

You need this space, to be okay. He needs this space, to be okay. If the space makes him and you both realize how much you want to make it work, than so be it. But this space will also help you realize that you can, you can, you can, and you may well might, be absolutely fine without him.

This. Is. Good.

FOCUS ON THIS

I have to think about this:

Both Sean and I want the US to workout. We want us. We are fighting for us. We're both going to fight as hard as we can for us.

So if it doesn't work out, it really honestly truly was not meant to be.

Sean

sean and i have been... on the rocks for a few months now. shit's going down in ways that are so painful and sad. we had a state of the union address two weeks ago where we decided to take all of our plans off the table and really focus on taking some space from each other and coming together when it's quality time. but then shit imploded again this weekend when some really upsetting stuff was revealed. i'm so sad and freaked out and feel very very alone and vulnerable. sean has agreed to go to therapy, which is very important to me. he's had a lot of feelings about "us", and he's also carrying a lot of baggage, but he's had no outlets for these things, which means that over the past few months he's been 'acting out' in ways that are increasingly damaging to our relationship and upsetting. i've gotten to a point where i can't handle it anymore - he knows he's been hurting me and acting like an asshole, as he admitted - sounds like the exact same with adam. sean hasn't wanted to have sex, hes' been really distant and increasingly irritable... it's a lot to take in.

i also got diagnosed with sleep apnea, which is pretty crazy, and i have to have a rather scary tonsillectomy / adenoid removal in teh first weekend of april, which is slightly terrifying. it has a huge long recovery process, where i'll hopefully be at home to recover.

so i guess for the next month, until my surgery, i'm going to really focus on being by myself, taking care of myself, and getting into optimal health for the surgery. sean is going to focus on taking some time and space and working with a therapist, and whatever coems up will come up. hopefully by the time i'm recovered in mid-april, we will have a better sense of where things stand.

i want to believe with all my heart that if two people want to make it work, and want it badly enough, they can overcome anything. but with sean, i don't know. i've realized that this has to be his process. his issues are so beyond me, and my frustrations and close-to-giving-up feelings come from the past few months of trying to be the "optimal girlfriend" for him, not realizing that i couldn't fix things even if i wanted to.

but at this point, i don't know. all bets are off the table. we have no plans for the future, no nothing - certainly not the sense that we're moving towards anything. mostly there's the sense that we're hanging on by our fingernails. this weekend really shook me up, and i feel completely untethered and fearful.

my mom told me, and i'll tell you, that no matter what happened, i would be okay. if sean and i broke up, i would be okay. if we stayed together, i would be okay. mostly because i'm strong, more strong than i know, and i would survive it.

perhaps the hardest part of all of this is that i don't think i actually believe that. if i had more faith in myself, i wouldn't be so afraid all the time. but at the crux of it, i'm not sure i really believe in myself.

Good Things

This morning, when I asked Sean whether or not he'd ever cheat on me, he said:

"I have a lot more to lose in this. I would never. I love you Kate. Even when things aren't as great as I'd hope."

I'm glad he knows that. I'm glad he knows that I'm worth it.

Centered

It's very very very nice having my own space.

The world is full of possibilities. And for the first time I've realized that Sean is not my only one. I have more options than I know what do with.

But Sean's right - a step back is in order.

I have tried my darndest. And I'm sick of goddam trying. I'm going to sit back and let him figure his shit out. And whatever he decides, I know that it won't be for my lack of trying, or any of my shortcomings. But in the meantime, I'm going to fill my life with friends and pastimes and gym visits and coffee breaks and hobbies. I'll finish Meg's quilt. I'll watch Greek episodes. I'll cook at home, and stay at the gym past 8. I'll see my friends, and get Starbucks during my lunch breaks. And when it gets sunny out, I'll take long luxurious walks in the park.

I'll strip my bureau, hang up pictures, bake, and cook delicious meals for me. I'll lounge in my princess marshmallow cloud of a bed and read trashy books.

I thought, when I started this journal, that this was what I would be doing. But now I know with certainty. A night without Sean no longer holds the terror that it did, but instead, comfort and possibilities.

I'm going to fill my life with things that make me happy. And if he's one of them, he's welcome to come along for the ride.

Poof

Time to focus on me, me, me.

That means, work work work. Friends friends friends.

I'm giving us a month to get back on track. That means a month to start feeling like Sean actually brings something to my life, instead of depressing me and turning my emotions inside out. And if I am going to start seeing other people, so be it. But this.... can't sustain. And if he's not IT, then he's not.

That makes me so unbelievably sad to write, but, at this point, like my therapist said, I have to focus on the fact that we ARE still dating. We're not breaking up. He doesn't want to break up. He just wants some space and time for things to go back to normal. And HE has to fix that. Not me. So if he doesn't come around in a little bit, then it's not for my lack of trying.

But I deserve better than this. And I deserve to be happier than this, right now. So, things have to change on his end... and hopefully with some space and time to process, they will.

But we're still dating and he still loves me. So right now, I just have to focus on myself for a while.

so.

at the crux of it.

things haven't been good... for a while. if we're honest with each other. but we haven't known how to step away and re-examine. we're too close for that. we've been too completely enmeshed.

so... it's time to reset.

take time.

take space.

focus on quality time together, and otherwise, live our own lives.

focus on this kate:

you are still together. you still love each other. this is an amazing opportunity.

Just. Done.

I'm taking back the upper hand.

Enough of this.

If Sean cannot give me what I need, I'm done. Finished. And it will be the worst mistake he ever makes. But I deserve happiness.

I have been trying and I have been doing a great job. But I have as much control in this relationship as he does, and I have not been taking control. I have the upper hand too. I have a say. I do not need to defer to him on all issues. And Jesus, I have been! WTF. When do I EVER defer. And that's not to say that I shouldn't compromise, because of course that's what it's all about. But I am a firm, independent, strong woman, extremely capable of distance, space, and asking for what I want. And I'm going to damn reclaim that.

Enough fixing me. I'm GOOD. I'm GREAT. I can still work on things yes, but not the detriment of my... well... me.

I feel like I might actually throw up.

I don't know what spurred it.

Check that. I do.

It's been:

The lack of sex.

The irritation when I kiss him.

The envy when I see other new couples who are so obviously into each other.

The general boredom that he exhibits whenever I'm around.

The general boredom.

The general boredom.

The unwillingness to do anything about it.

It also had something to do with accidentally stumbling on his old emails and remembering how insanely he loved me... and how often he showed it.

But then again, these things can't sustain. And what the honeymoon phase gives over to is comfort and ease and mutual affection.

But... there isn't even necessarily that.

The thing that we always come back to: he won't try.

Or, he commits to trying in a very vague and uncertain way. Not "I'll go to therapy". Not "Let's work on talking about this". It feels like we're constantly sticking our finger in the dam.

And my frustration is that it's been at the crux of all of our fights. Try. Just... try.

And he doesn't.

I deserve to be met halfway.

I deserve that. And if he can't give me that, then I don't know what to do.

But when I listen to the voice in my heart, I know how big and beautiful my life is with him in it. And it says Please please please. Try for her. Fight for her. Don't end it like this.

Sadness:

Reading over old emails from him to me should make me so unbelievably happy. I should revel in it. I should love the way he makes me feel. I should love the way he wrote about me, should adore the romantic gestures that he made, the time he put aside for me, all of it.

Wooing. The time he spent wooing me.

He made me feel so loved. How can anyone come back from that? How can I forget that?

How can I read the emails he sent me now, and then look at the emails he sent me then, and forget the way it was?

He wants to backpedal. But I, I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten the sweetness, the sadness, the wooing, the excitement and the joy.

He has fallen out of love with me. And it breaks my heart. Just a little bit.

He doesn't like kissing me. He pulls away.

And... it makes me so so so so so unbelievably sad. Reading these things. Remembering the way it was. And then remembering how it is now.

Not better. Necessarily. Different.

I try harder. And he tries... less.

He used to tell me all the time how sweet I was. How beautiful. How much he cared.

I think it's time to pull away a little bit.

This Weekend, Thoughts

So, talking with my mother last weekend was immensely helpful, more so than I ever thought it would be - she gave me a lot of clarity and perspective, mostly making me realize that overthinking these things will be the doom of me.

Big points:

a) There's no magic formula regarding a percentage of time spent loving Sean and a percentage of time when he make-ah me cuhraaazeee. I can't say oh, he makes me happy 50% of the time, or, oh, he makes me happy 80% of the time. It's a gut feeling. And now, my happiness with Sean so completely outweighs the shitty times that all of the moments when I've thought "Oh, we should break up", they've been half-hearted.

b) Hating someone part of the time that you're in a relationship and not breaking up with them is NOT COMPROMISING YOUR HAPPINESS.

c) Compromising can be a very good thing. You kinda need it for relationships.

d) I have high expectations of people, which means I'm often disappointed.

e) I'm used to getting my way, which means I'm often disappointed.

f) When I'm let down and don't get my way and I'm disappointed, this is often when I grow the most.

Huh. Got it.

This weekend I would like to:

Sand some drawers

Clean the kitchen floor

Do laundry

Unpack my car and sort stuff

Start cutting my quilt

Take in Sean's shirts.

Um WOW

Fuck you Callaghan. How on EARTH did you think this would be a good plan for Valentine's Day?

I don't need you to go all out, and I know that maybe I'm calling things before they happen, and I should probably relax and see what you come up with, but, after last year, the ball is so unbelievably dropped that I want to hit you.

I should really be with someone who wants to try.

Valentines Day

I am REALLY working on trusting Sean, and letting him take the reins (for once).

But I'm worried about Valentine's Day. That's it. Plain and simple.

Not Drinking - An Update

So, in the past week and a half, since I started "not drinking", I have had - 1 beer, 2 sips of wine, 2 sips of Dark n' Stormy.

I think that I've realized that this whole "not drinking" thing is a little intense, and maybe I have all these conflicting feelings about it because I don't feel like it's necessary? Like, as in, I'm not an alcoholic, so why should I stop?

Granted, one of the beers was at Jennifer Coolidge, because I felt more awkward not drinking.

But the sips were relaxing at Sean's house, and while I'm somewhat concerned that I "needed" a drink, or at least to just taste one or two sips of said beer, I'm also happy that it was just that - a sip or two. I'm not perfect, and I don't feel like it's necessary to hold myself to this weird standard of not drinking. So, I'd like to not drink this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

HOWEVER: these two weeks of not drinking have resulted in.... 120 pounds. Almost my damn high school weight. Little to no belly pudge. And a MUCH better feeling, in general.

Sometimes Sean's drinking worries me. The whole needs-to-have-booze every single night? It's weird.

I worry sometimes that Sean thinks "being set in his ways" means "not willing to try". That could be problematic.

Weekend

This weekend is going to be awesome. I'm so, so, so, so excited.

Copying Email

I'm copying the email that I've forwarded to... well... several parties at this point, because I think that it sums up how I need to be and the changes I need to make in very accurate statements:

sean and i talked last night, which was necessary - i've really felt that i haven't had a chance to express all of my feelings from the weekend, just because they've been so muddled and complicated (anger, sadness, absolute despair).

but last night i think that i finally got to express them and discuss it with him, and address a lot of larger issues (i.e. i'm scared that he doesn't love me for me when he corrects me all the time, why did he make all these promises when we first started dating and then reneg on them, what are his worries, etc. etc.)

and sean straight-up said that he understands that he put me in a shit position and he's sorry. he understands that he was unfair to me, and i don't deserve that. also, he wants me to know that he loves me for me... he always has. he gets upset when i do shitty things... i.e. he loves me but doesn't always love what i do.

and i told him that i know that this past year has been a roller-coaster, mostly because in my previous relationship, i got away with a TON of bad behavior (as you ladies know, with trevor), and this past year for me, has basically been me trying to un-learn all of these shitty bad habits that i'm used to (i.e. manipulation, getting my way, causing drama for drama's sake, being needy)... and i know that the year has been hard on him because i've basically been doing this while i'm dating sean. perhaps, in an alternate universe, sean would be the relationship where i learned how to be in a healthy relationship, and then we'd break up and i'd do better with the next guy. but the point is, as sean has said to me, and i've said to him - i don't want to figure out how to be in a relationship correctly to just move on to the next guy. i want to do it for sean. with sean. so i can understand why this is difficult for sean because i'd imagine its like watching a ton of demons get exorcised from his girlfriend-who-he-thought-was-kinda-normal, all within the span of a year.

but i explained to sean that the reason i'm hopeful is that i see that, despite the arguments we get into now, we've discovered a better way of being in the past six months that i never thought i would see with a boyfriend. i recognize the changes in myself (my parents have as well) - i'm quicker to apologize, more ready to admit my mistakes, more careful about his feelings, i don't cause drama for drama's sake, and i've quelled the neediness (for the most part). so even though sean sees a series of arguments and worries that we're not improving, i see that i'm happier now and in a more healthy, stable relationship than i've been a part of in my whole life. so that's what gives me hope.

so for those reasons, i understand why sean is hesitant to discuss anything future-related, only because the past year has been a rollercoaster for him and he's scared of committing before we've reached a more stable even place. but as i improve, and discover things about myself, and figure out how i want to be, i know that i can make this a more stable environment, both for him and for myself.

so i just have to relax and reset, and instead of focusing on the future, focus on how i can bring my best to us, now.

your support has meant the world to me. and your kind words have helped me understand that i want to make sure i love a man who loves me for me. at the end of the day, even though i know i have many faults, i like myself. i LOVE myself. and sean needs to be happy with me, just as i am, through the shitty periods and through the good. otherwise, it's simply not meant to be.

so for now, i'm going to focus on bringing my best to my relationship, and if the future falls into place, it will.

More Therapy

Also, take a more active approach to each of our fears.

I.E. when he's withdrawing, I saw "I noticed you're withdrawing, and I suspect it's because I'm (smothering you, arguing with you). I'm feeling a little uneasy and weird right now, which is why I'm smothering. If you could just give me some reassurance or a hug, I will be in a better place to give you the space you need."

Wow. I can do that.

Thank You, Weekend

For being relaxed, laid-back and lovely.

Thank you for letting me take care of half the shit I needed too (blinds! lampshades!), and for letting me see my friends. Thanks for two workouts (half-assed, but still!). Thanks for True Blood, Harry Potter, delicious dinner, and wine. Thanks for naps cozied up with Bear.

Frigid? NONSENSE.

I've always had big hangups about sex. Namely, that I'm this weird, frigid creature who can't get off "during". I've always loved sex with Sean (don't get me wrong). He's incredible and sexy and yummy and I can't get enough of him and he seems to always know what feels good. But last night... last night was out of control.

I've always been envious of Sean's exes who orgasmed from sex (just one, actually - biiiitch). I've always felt that there was something missing in our sex life, mainly the common, shared goal of INTERCOURSE, of orgasming from intercourse. He can always get me off, but he does, and then I fuck him. There was the disconnect, again. We weren't sharing the experience. But last night, orgasming simultaneously with him, while feeling him push into me was the most incredible feeling that I've had in a long time. I was thoroughly, completely satiated. Although it wasn't the most earth-shattering orgasm per se... (I mean, aren't they all good?), knowing that we had reached this experience together was what mattered. Sex wasn't quick, or easy. It was good and sexy and delicious and languid.

YES.