So

Today sucks. Already. Big ol' zit on my face, not enough sleep, tired as hell. And saw S this weekend. Wow... was that fucking fun or what. Happy goddam Sunday, Caulfield. Excited for your date? That's great - bam, here's your ex.

I am hauling around my damn CPAP machine, and I'm freezing. Did I mention I have an epic zit? ANd did I mentioned that I feel lonelier, and sadder, and shittier than I've felt in a while now? I knew that there were going to be lonely times... I knew that I would get down. But Ben's falling in love, Trev's gone, Meggo hasn't called, and Sean? Well. Sean.

And in the meantime, I continue to stuff my empty heart with even emptier sex and dates. I'm sure it's coping. But... god.

Sean

sean and i have been... on the rocks for a few months now. shit's going down in ways that are so painful and sad. we had a state of the union address two weeks ago where we decided to take all of our plans off the table and really focus on taking some space from each other and coming together when it's quality time. but then shit imploded again this weekend when some really upsetting stuff was revealed. i'm so sad and freaked out and feel very very alone and vulnerable. sean has agreed to go to therapy, which is very important to me. he's had a lot of feelings about "us", and he's also carrying a lot of baggage, but he's had no outlets for these things, which means that over the past few months he's been 'acting out' in ways that are increasingly damaging to our relationship and upsetting. i've gotten to a point where i can't handle it anymore - he knows he's been hurting me and acting like an asshole, as he admitted - sounds like the exact same with adam. sean hasn't wanted to have sex, hes' been really distant and increasingly irritable... it's a lot to take in.

i also got diagnosed with sleep apnea, which is pretty crazy, and i have to have a rather scary tonsillectomy / adenoid removal in teh first weekend of april, which is slightly terrifying. it has a huge long recovery process, where i'll hopefully be at home to recover.

so i guess for the next month, until my surgery, i'm going to really focus on being by myself, taking care of myself, and getting into optimal health for the surgery. sean is going to focus on taking some time and space and working with a therapist, and whatever coems up will come up. hopefully by the time i'm recovered in mid-april, we will have a better sense of where things stand.

i want to believe with all my heart that if two people want to make it work, and want it badly enough, they can overcome anything. but with sean, i don't know. i've realized that this has to be his process. his issues are so beyond me, and my frustrations and close-to-giving-up feelings come from the past few months of trying to be the "optimal girlfriend" for him, not realizing that i couldn't fix things even if i wanted to.

but at this point, i don't know. all bets are off the table. we have no plans for the future, no nothing - certainly not the sense that we're moving towards anything. mostly there's the sense that we're hanging on by our fingernails. this weekend really shook me up, and i feel completely untethered and fearful.

my mom told me, and i'll tell you, that no matter what happened, i would be okay. if sean and i broke up, i would be okay. if we stayed together, i would be okay. mostly because i'm strong, more strong than i know, and i would survive it.

perhaps the hardest part of all of this is that i don't think i actually believe that. if i had more faith in myself, i wouldn't be so afraid all the time. but at the crux of it, i'm not sure i really believe in myself.

Better Today

Not as much of a headache, feeling more productive... all n' all, in a better place.

Really trying to be quiet, calm, and truly in myself. Last night... the highlight was walking home, looking up through the trees, and seeing the way the lights were reflected in them, making them appear white instead of yellow or orange.

This weekend will be a good one. I was proud of myself for realizing that I wasn't going to be very good conversation with Mum, and getting off quickly. I was grumpy and tired. But I went to the gym and made a yummy dinner... things are looking up?

Just Not Good

I can pretty much already tell today is going to suck.
Straight-up... suck.


Coming off the weekend was hard enough. I had such high hopes for my weekend with Meg, and they just failed miserably. I know she has a lot of anger and frustration to let out, but there's no excuse. And she won't apologize... I think that's the part that makes me angriest. I don't know how to let this one go without an apology. But I'm angry. I'm so angry. Or maybe less angry and just sadly resigned. Mum hasn't called, so I assume Meg told her something. But I'm still pretty frustrated with Mum for everything that went down last week. Stupid, stupid stupid.


So here's where I am: sans much of a support system. My two biggest advocates, Meg and Mum, have both let me down spectacularly. Pops... well I haven't chatted with him since he tried to talk me out of being a teacher. That's where I am with that. And my other biggest supporter, Sean... well unfortunately I've been trying to pull away from him to give him more space and set up boundaries.

Once again, I find myself feeling entirely alone. And maybe that's okay... I can learn to deal with it.


But until then, today sucks. Once again, the bosses are insane. Coworker hasn't changed... why would she? It's a Monday, and I feel sick and worn-out. Therapy at noon. And just... all this. I should probably hunker down and just try to weather it out. That's the best I can hope for right now.