sean and i talked last night, which was necessary - i've really felt that i haven't had a chance to express all of my feelings from the weekend, just because they've been so muddled and complicated (anger, sadness, absolute despair).
but last night i think that i finally got to express them and discuss it with him, and address a lot of larger issues (i.e. i'm scared that he doesn't love me for me when he corrects me all the time, why did he make all these promises when we first started dating and then reneg on them, what are his worries, etc. etc.)
and sean straight-up said that he understands that he put me in a shit position and he's sorry. he understands that he was unfair to me, and i don't deserve that. also, he wants me to know that he loves me for me... he always has. he gets upset when i do shitty things... i.e. he loves me but doesn't always love what i do.
and i told him that i know that this past year has been a roller-coaster, mostly because in my previous relationship, i got away with a TON of bad behavior (as you ladies know, with trevor), and this past year for me, has basically been me trying to un-learn all of these shitty bad habits that i'm used to (i.e. manipulation, getting my way, causing drama for drama's sake, being needy)... and i know that the year has been hard on him because i've basically been doing this while i'm dating sean. perhaps, in an alternate universe, sean would be the relationship where i learned how to be in a healthy relationship, and then we'd break up and i'd do better with the next guy. but the point is, as sean has said to me, and i've said to him - i don't want to figure out how to be in a relationship correctly to just move on to the next guy. i want to do it for sean. with sean. so i can understand why this is difficult for sean because i'd imagine its like watching a ton of demons get exorcised from his girlfriend-who-he-thought-was-kinda-normal, all within the span of a year.
but i explained to sean that the reason i'm hopeful is that i see that, despite the arguments we get into now, we've discovered a better way of being in the past six months that i never thought i would see with a boyfriend. i recognize the changes in myself (my parents have as well) - i'm quicker to apologize, more ready to admit my mistakes, more careful about his feelings, i don't cause drama for drama's sake, and i've quelled the neediness (for the most part). so even though sean sees a series of arguments and worries that we're not improving, i see that i'm happier now and in a more healthy, stable relationship than i've been a part of in my whole life. so that's what gives me hope.
so for those reasons, i understand why sean is hesitant to discuss anything future-related, only because the past year has been a rollercoaster for him and he's scared of committing before we've reached a more stable even place. but as i improve, and discover things about myself, and figure out how i want to be, i know that i can make this a more stable environment, both for him and for myself.
so i just have to relax and reset, and instead of focusing on the future, focus on how i can bring my best to us, now.
your support has meant the world to me. and your kind words have helped me understand that i want to make sure i love a man who loves me for me. at the end of the day, even though i know i have many faults, i like myself. i LOVE myself. and sean needs to be happy with me, just as i am, through the shitty periods and through the good. otherwise, it's simply not meant to be.
so for now, i'm going to focus on bringing my best to my relationship, and if the future falls into place, it will.
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