ALSO

STOP TEXTING THE DUDES. THEY CANT TEXT YOU. AND STOP IM'ING THE DUDES. THEY CAN IM YOU. AND STOP EMAILING THE DUDES. THEY CAN DO THAT TOO.

give 'em the opportunity to pursue you. and in the meantime, fill up your space with fun.

Today, Remind Yourself

PEP TALK FROM A BEST FRIEND is great n' all, but today? I'm going to remind myself SANS website.

Today, remind yourself: You are a mothafuckin' badass, Caulfield. You are a bad girl to the bone. You live without regrets. You don't need a shit job, crazy people, boring boys, bad sex. Fart in your office. Steal the Kleenex. Post your resume nonstop and get out of this insane work environment with people who bring you down. You are a BAD GIRL. You've got all the charm, wit, and wisdom to make it in this world.

Don't forget to be humble. Don't forget to, eh, in blank terms, not be a little shit. But holy christ, hear you roar. You've got it all, girl. So get what you want, and don't let anyone hold you back.

Today

I'm just going to have to be really, really good to myself. Because I'm cold, sad, and lonely. Time to cuddle myself, cradle myself, and nurture myself.

No one ever, ever, said that this would be easy.

So

Today sucks. Already. Big ol' zit on my face, not enough sleep, tired as hell. And saw S this weekend. Wow... was that fucking fun or what. Happy goddam Sunday, Caulfield. Excited for your date? That's great - bam, here's your ex.

I am hauling around my damn CPAP machine, and I'm freezing. Did I mention I have an epic zit? ANd did I mentioned that I feel lonelier, and sadder, and shittier than I've felt in a while now? I knew that there were going to be lonely times... I knew that I would get down. But Ben's falling in love, Trev's gone, Meggo hasn't called, and Sean? Well. Sean.

And in the meantime, I continue to stuff my empty heart with even emptier sex and dates. I'm sure it's coping. But... god.

The Way It Goes

I guess this is the way it goes.

Two steps forward.

One step back.

Little bits of progress.

Tiny, tiny motions forward.

And the hope.

The shred of hope that was once barely even discernible, or maybe at one point, not even there at all.

And then it becomes a shred. And then a little tiny light. And eventually, as the sun continues to shine and I continue to sleep through the night and I journal and write and eat and breathe and cry and turn on lights and turn off lights and make my bed and shower and run and scream and laugh and smile, it will become a beacon.

I will be... alright.

No.

I will be more than alright.

This is my chance to find myself.

To really, truly, honestly, find myself.

To fall in love with myself.

To find confidence, and happiness, and inner peace.

And only when I truly love me, when I have the confidence that is just for me and not for anyone else, will I consider the possibility of looking for love again.

I have always been afraid of being alone. I have always been afraid of losing Sean. It terrified me, because I didn't know how to be without him. So I held on by my fingernails, even when it killed me so much and hurt me so deeply.

And then the unimaginable happened. And I lost him.

And I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive. And I believe, maybe sometimes more often than other times, that I will be okay.

I love myself. And I have to find myself again. I have to find the things that I lost. The happiness. The joy. The exuberance, and lust for life. The adventurousness and love for activity. The pleasure found in doing things, in going places, in experiencing life. I have to find the ridiculous sense of humor, teh empathy, the caring, the kindness, the openess, the emotional maturity, the strength.

I am beautiful. That is true. But I am so much more than that. I have wisdom well beyond my years. I am fantastically funny, intuitive, and smart. I know a LOT. About a LOT of things. I'm interesting. I'm beyond talented. I make things happen in ways that are absolutely astounding. I am never vanquished, and time and time again, I have picked myself up... MYSELF. Only I could pick myself up, and I have, and I'll do it again. The only person I need at night is me. The only person I need to cuddle in the morning is me. I have it all. I have it in spades. I am a wonderful wonderful human being. Yes, I have many weaknesses. But they are things that I accept and try to improve, always, which is such a damn amazing thing. Moreso, I have reached a level of kindness, empathy, and forgiveness in my young 23 years that is beyond incredible. I am strong, and brilliant.

And I deserve the world. There is nothing that I don't deserve. I deserve someone who will love every inch of me, who will adore me for me and never ask me to be anything but the fantastic, wonderful woman that I am. I want that, and I don't want to settle for less.

But first, I have to love myself. Which means that the voices inside me crowding my head and thoughts, the ones that tell me I'm somehow "less", the ones that cut me down and make me think that I don't deserve the things I do, that my plans aren't "worthy", that my wants are "ridiculous"... these are the voices that I have to work on silencing. Because they're hurtful, and they're poison, and they're untrue. I want what I want. And I get to ask for what I want. And I have faith that I'll find it.

Clarity

With startling, absolute, acute clarity, I realized:

I don't have to be afraid anymore.

All of the fear... of being alone... that I would break... that I would curl up and die and the pain would be so unimaginable that I could even begin to bear it....

I have borne it. I have survived it. And I can survive anything, anything that comes my way.

I don't have to be afraid anymore. Of anything.

It's going to hurt like a bitch. For a long time. And I'll be angry, and furious, and have moments of clarity, and then moments of complete and utter sadness.

But I will survive it. As I can survive anything.

I winked at someone today.

Life goes on.

All The Things That I Want To Say

I miss you. Every minute of the day. I miss the mornings, which were for us. I miss the evenings, when we'd snuggle. I miss your face, your breath, your smell, your kisses, your hands, the way you held me, dear fucking god I feel as if my chest is going to crack open, this hurts so much.

I miss you constantly. Everything I do reminds me of you. The things that I loved, that you love too. I can't keep emailing you. I can't call. I can't drive over and see you.

I have to be stronger than this, so I"m writing it here.

But I'm angry too. I'm angry because you asked me to get on board, and then you reneged. You asked me to commit, and I did, and then you couldn't. I loved you, and I tried to be better for you, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't forgive, because I loved you that damn much. I forgave your drinking, your smoking, your distance, your moodiness, your forgetfulness, when you didn't write me a love letter, when I wasn't sure what you wanted, when you wouldn't burn me a mix CD, when we wouldn't go on dates, when you wouldn't meet me for lunch, when you wanted space. I forgave when you cheated on me.

I will own my part in this, which is that I held on to a lot of bad behavior... for a long time. But every minute, I was trying. I was trying to be better for you.

And I also imposed my plans on you. I imposed my dreams on you. Because at first you were on board, and then you weren't. And that hurt a lot. You can't call me Wife-To-Be, and then not.

I can't fix you. You have to fix yourself. I can't fix this. I tried. It's supposed to be easier than this. It's supposed to not hurt this much. It's not supposed to take this much talking, and fixing, and changing. But I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop the talks. Because nothing changed. We went over and over and over again, how much we wanted things to change. But they didn't. You never did anything concrete to make it better. You just strung me along. You didn't stand up to me. You just kept me hoping, kept me hoping, instead of standing up and saying "this isn't working".

I'm angry at you, and I miss you.

And I have to believe that I'll find someone again.

But first, I have to find myself.

All of the pieces that I lost when I was with you.

All of the compromises that I made, that I thought I would never make.

All the dreams that I had that weren't fulfilled.

All of the things that I wanted that you wouldn't give.

I still want them. I still deserve them.

I am not ordinary. I am extraordinary. And I hope in the next few months, I realize this. I hope I have moments when I can appreciate that I'm beautiful, and smart, and brilliant, and funny. And that I'm desirable, and wonderful, and emotionally mature, and that I have depth and wisdom. And the right person will appreciate every inch of these qualities, will appreciate me, and will know that even though relationships can be hard, one with me is WORTH IT. It's worth it... because I would have given you everything.

I.... did... give you everything. I'm worth trying. I'm worth going halfway for. And though I can't conceive of ever loving someone ever again, I know that it will happen. I know that there will be a day when I don't cry at all. I know that it will be two steps forward, and then one back. I know that there will be nights I don't sleep, and nights when I miss you so much that I feel as if I'm going to break open and explode with the pain.

It's a death. It's a death, Sean.

Even typing your name hurts.

You were there. And then you weren't.

You were the love of my life. Until you weren't.

You were my pick. My match. My choice. Until you weren't.

You were here. In my life. With me. Next to me. My partner.

And now you're not.

And I just have to breathe through this. Get through it, hour by hour. Forgive myself for the hurt and the pain, for my actions, for the sadness, for reaching out over and over again to the same people, asking them to tell me the same thing. They will be here for me. They will always be here for me. Even when you're not.

I can be brave. I can take it, each hour. I will cry and ache, ache, ache, ache, ache for the loss of you.

But I will get through it.

Little by little.

Piece by piece.

I will remember everything that I loved about myself. I will remember all of the things that there are to love. I will not feel guilty for admiring myself constantly, for feeling beautiful and grand and special. I need to love myself. I need to hug myself at night. I will NOT EVER FEEL AGAIN like I don't deserve everything. Not someone who will necessarily treat me like a princess. Not someone who will put me on a pedestal. Not just anyone.

But someone who knows I'm worth it. For better or for worse. For all of my wonderful qualities, and all of my not-so-great qualities. Someone who feels as lucky as I do. Someone who makes me feel lucky.

I deserve that.

I will find it.

I will miss you. Every day.

But I deserve this.

And I will find love.

And I will love myself.

And I will never again make the mistake of falling in love and losing myself.

Now I'm Angry

He cheated. And made me feel like I didn't deserve what I asked for. And then blamed me for asking me for too much.

Shame on him.

Shame on him for not taking ownership. For telling me I'm too young, and immature. For not taking a stand.

I Will

Remember all the good things about him. And it will hurt like a bitch.

But the things that I deserve still stand.

Golden Nugget

I have to move on.

The End

There is someone out there who will give me what I want. Who will make me truly, truly, deeply happy.

And I'm young. And I deserve that.

Whatever Transpires...

It will happen over the next few months. You cannot rush this or force it, no matter how much you might want to. You can't push a future that's unforeseeable.

You might want to know now, and you may want to prepare yourself for all the possible outcomes.

You might want to curl up like a turtle and build a hard shell of protect-able possibilities around you. You will want to envision the worst, from him with another woman, to him leaving you, to this going on for a long time, to you never finding anyone like him again, him not wanting kids. And you'll want to envision the best, a long life together, babies, a wedding in your backyard.

But none of this means anything. And none of this can possibly 'prepare' you in any way for whatever the future will bring. Envisioning it in your head will not make the outcomes more likely, or less / more painful. It will only serve to remove you from the here-and-now, from the healing that you should be doing for yourself.

You must focus on the now. On the being together when you are, and comforting yourself and bringing yourself joy when you're not. On healing, on peace, on thoughtful, kind, self-attention. No one expects you to not hurt. Your feelings about this are all your own, and whether you feel lonely, joyful, or like you might cry for the rest of your life, be there. Be in them. Allow whatever comes up to come up, and sit with it. Let it wash through you in waves. Feel it deep in the heart of you and remember that you're human, that you're fallible, and that you are allowed to hurt.

But also revel in these moments, because they are testimonies of your strength.

Every day that you keep on going, get out of bed, work, see friends, go home, go the gym... this a testimony to you, to your bravery, to your courage. It is a wonder that you function at all, not to mention that it is a sheer miracle that you can turn your face up to the sun and feel moments of bliss, no matter how small or insignificant. Revel in your strength. Revel in your resilience. Know, know, in the deepest cave-like spaces of your heart, that no matter what the world throws at you, you will keep on breathing. You will wake up in the morning, even when you feel like dying. You will eat, and sleep, and cry, and then there will be moments when you feel joy, and you can laugh again. And because of your strength, and what you've endured, and what you can endure... nothing that the world throws at you will ever be able to bring you under.

Know, know in your bones, that whatever happens will happen. You can only control your own life, your own actions, your own responses. So be brave, and be good to yourself. Love him firmly and completely, but do not forget to love yourself first and foremost. Settle into the unknowing. Settle into the uncertainty. Let it wash through you and allow yourself to feel momentary terror, but then relax into it and you will find it doesn't hurt as much.

You are beautiful, and intrepid, and a pillar of strength. You are a miracle. Love him, but love yourself. Comfort yourself. Breathe it in, breathe it out.

Turn your face to the sun.

Convo

me: it's not that, maybe

i just don't think he loves me enough to change

i don't know if we can get through this

Elysse: Listen I don't believe that an individual remains unchanged thru their lifetime

We are constantly changing

Even subtley

I think that in this situation he is already 'changed' I think fear just gets in the way

Fear of the unknown

Fear that he could care about you so much that he could be happy with you the rest of his life

That you are the person he fell in love with

The media hypes this stuff up so much that when it actually happens it is so scary

Kate the fact of the matter is

Having you in his life makes it harder to take the easy way out

And harder to become the better person that's inside him (that we all know is inside each one of us)

That may be scary for him (like it is for joe)

me: that was... possibly the best thing i've heard in a while

he can't pull his bullshit on me

he told me that

he said that i'm one of the two women in his life who he can't pull bullshit with

Elysse: Exactly!

me: the other being his ex-fiancee

Elysse: We call them out

me: which means that he has to take a long hard look at himself

if he wants to make this work

Elysse: That scares him!

He is afraid he's gonna get hurt again!

No matter how frequently you tell him otherwise its hard for him to internalize that!

me: yes.

yes.

you're right.

I Just Plain Hate You Sometimes

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you for needing space.

I understand where you're coming from. And fuck you.

Kate, breathe. This is a big deal. If you can give him space this week and next week, think about how much better it will be for you. For him. For you and for him.

You need this space, to be okay. He needs this space, to be okay. If the space makes him and you both realize how much you want to make it work, than so be it. But this space will also help you realize that you can, you can, you can, and you may well might, be absolutely fine without him.

This. Is. Good.

FOCUS ON THIS

I have to think about this:

Both Sean and I want the US to workout. We want us. We are fighting for us. We're both going to fight as hard as we can for us.

So if it doesn't work out, it really honestly truly was not meant to be.

i think that i would like life to stop being so sad and difficult and defeating.

it hurts and it's painful and it makes my heart ache.

Sean

sean and i have been... on the rocks for a few months now. shit's going down in ways that are so painful and sad. we had a state of the union address two weeks ago where we decided to take all of our plans off the table and really focus on taking some space from each other and coming together when it's quality time. but then shit imploded again this weekend when some really upsetting stuff was revealed. i'm so sad and freaked out and feel very very alone and vulnerable. sean has agreed to go to therapy, which is very important to me. he's had a lot of feelings about "us", and he's also carrying a lot of baggage, but he's had no outlets for these things, which means that over the past few months he's been 'acting out' in ways that are increasingly damaging to our relationship and upsetting. i've gotten to a point where i can't handle it anymore - he knows he's been hurting me and acting like an asshole, as he admitted - sounds like the exact same with adam. sean hasn't wanted to have sex, hes' been really distant and increasingly irritable... it's a lot to take in.

i also got diagnosed with sleep apnea, which is pretty crazy, and i have to have a rather scary tonsillectomy / adenoid removal in teh first weekend of april, which is slightly terrifying. it has a huge long recovery process, where i'll hopefully be at home to recover.

so i guess for the next month, until my surgery, i'm going to really focus on being by myself, taking care of myself, and getting into optimal health for the surgery. sean is going to focus on taking some time and space and working with a therapist, and whatever coems up will come up. hopefully by the time i'm recovered in mid-april, we will have a better sense of where things stand.

i want to believe with all my heart that if two people want to make it work, and want it badly enough, they can overcome anything. but with sean, i don't know. i've realized that this has to be his process. his issues are so beyond me, and my frustrations and close-to-giving-up feelings come from the past few months of trying to be the "optimal girlfriend" for him, not realizing that i couldn't fix things even if i wanted to.

but at this point, i don't know. all bets are off the table. we have no plans for the future, no nothing - certainly not the sense that we're moving towards anything. mostly there's the sense that we're hanging on by our fingernails. this weekend really shook me up, and i feel completely untethered and fearful.

my mom told me, and i'll tell you, that no matter what happened, i would be okay. if sean and i broke up, i would be okay. if we stayed together, i would be okay. mostly because i'm strong, more strong than i know, and i would survive it.

perhaps the hardest part of all of this is that i don't think i actually believe that. if i had more faith in myself, i wouldn't be so afraid all the time. but at the crux of it, i'm not sure i really believe in myself.

Good Things

This morning, when I asked Sean whether or not he'd ever cheat on me, he said:

"I have a lot more to lose in this. I would never. I love you Kate. Even when things aren't as great as I'd hope."

I'm glad he knows that. I'm glad he knows that I'm worth it.

Centered

It's very very very nice having my own space.

The world is full of possibilities. And for the first time I've realized that Sean is not my only one. I have more options than I know what do with.

But Sean's right - a step back is in order.

I have tried my darndest. And I'm sick of goddam trying. I'm going to sit back and let him figure his shit out. And whatever he decides, I know that it won't be for my lack of trying, or any of my shortcomings. But in the meantime, I'm going to fill my life with friends and pastimes and gym visits and coffee breaks and hobbies. I'll finish Meg's quilt. I'll watch Greek episodes. I'll cook at home, and stay at the gym past 8. I'll see my friends, and get Starbucks during my lunch breaks. And when it gets sunny out, I'll take long luxurious walks in the park.

I'll strip my bureau, hang up pictures, bake, and cook delicious meals for me. I'll lounge in my princess marshmallow cloud of a bed and read trashy books.

I thought, when I started this journal, that this was what I would be doing. But now I know with certainty. A night without Sean no longer holds the terror that it did, but instead, comfort and possibilities.

I'm going to fill my life with things that make me happy. And if he's one of them, he's welcome to come along for the ride.

Poof

Time to focus on me, me, me.

That means, work work work. Friends friends friends.

I'm giving us a month to get back on track. That means a month to start feeling like Sean actually brings something to my life, instead of depressing me and turning my emotions inside out. And if I am going to start seeing other people, so be it. But this.... can't sustain. And if he's not IT, then he's not.

That makes me so unbelievably sad to write, but, at this point, like my therapist said, I have to focus on the fact that we ARE still dating. We're not breaking up. He doesn't want to break up. He just wants some space and time for things to go back to normal. And HE has to fix that. Not me. So if he doesn't come around in a little bit, then it's not for my lack of trying.

But I deserve better than this. And I deserve to be happier than this, right now. So, things have to change on his end... and hopefully with some space and time to process, they will.

But we're still dating and he still loves me. So right now, I just have to focus on myself for a while.

so.

at the crux of it.

things haven't been good... for a while. if we're honest with each other. but we haven't known how to step away and re-examine. we're too close for that. we've been too completely enmeshed.

so... it's time to reset.

take time.

take space.

focus on quality time together, and otherwise, live our own lives.

focus on this kate:

you are still together. you still love each other. this is an amazing opportunity.

Just. Done.

I'm taking back the upper hand.

Enough of this.

If Sean cannot give me what I need, I'm done. Finished. And it will be the worst mistake he ever makes. But I deserve happiness.

I have been trying and I have been doing a great job. But I have as much control in this relationship as he does, and I have not been taking control. I have the upper hand too. I have a say. I do not need to defer to him on all issues. And Jesus, I have been! WTF. When do I EVER defer. And that's not to say that I shouldn't compromise, because of course that's what it's all about. But I am a firm, independent, strong woman, extremely capable of distance, space, and asking for what I want. And I'm going to damn reclaim that.

Enough fixing me. I'm GOOD. I'm GREAT. I can still work on things yes, but not the detriment of my... well... me.

Biz Markie

"Little Lion Man" - Mumford and Sons

Lady GaGa

I feel like I might actually throw up.

I don't know what spurred it.

Check that. I do.

It's been:

The lack of sex.

The irritation when I kiss him.

The envy when I see other new couples who are so obviously into each other.

The general boredom that he exhibits whenever I'm around.

The general boredom.

The general boredom.

The unwillingness to do anything about it.

It also had something to do with accidentally stumbling on his old emails and remembering how insanely he loved me... and how often he showed it.

But then again, these things can't sustain. And what the honeymoon phase gives over to is comfort and ease and mutual affection.

But... there isn't even necessarily that.

The thing that we always come back to: he won't try.

Or, he commits to trying in a very vague and uncertain way. Not "I'll go to therapy". Not "Let's work on talking about this". It feels like we're constantly sticking our finger in the dam.

And my frustration is that it's been at the crux of all of our fights. Try. Just... try.

And he doesn't.

I deserve to be met halfway.

I deserve that. And if he can't give me that, then I don't know what to do.

But when I listen to the voice in my heart, I know how big and beautiful my life is with him in it. And it says Please please please. Try for her. Fight for her. Don't end it like this.

Yes: This

She listened to heart above all other voices.

She turns her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans.

She saw every ending as a new beginning.

Sadness:

Reading over old emails from him to me should make me so unbelievably happy. I should revel in it. I should love the way he makes me feel. I should love the way he wrote about me, should adore the romantic gestures that he made, the time he put aside for me, all of it.

Wooing. The time he spent wooing me.

He made me feel so loved. How can anyone come back from that? How can I forget that?

How can I read the emails he sent me now, and then look at the emails he sent me then, and forget the way it was?

He wants to backpedal. But I, I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten the sweetness, the sadness, the wooing, the excitement and the joy.

He has fallen out of love with me. And it breaks my heart. Just a little bit.

He doesn't like kissing me. He pulls away.

And... it makes me so so so so so unbelievably sad. Reading these things. Remembering the way it was. And then remembering how it is now.

Not better. Necessarily. Different.

I try harder. And he tries... less.

He used to tell me all the time how sweet I was. How beautiful. How much he cared.

I think it's time to pull away a little bit.

To Download

More Lady Gaga

"New York"

The XX

"Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night"

George Winston "Plains"

Weekend In Review / This Is Wonderful

I have sleep apnea. Snoooore. How to fix it. How to get Sean to fix his.

So many emotions surrounding this weekend. Just a lot of thoughts, exhaustion, fears, worries. Need to find something to look forward to.

I liked this:

One. Do not leave until he has mentioned two ex-girlfriends in casual conversation. If you are sure you want to leave and he has not mentioned two ex-girlfriends in conversation, mention two ex-boyfriends and see what happens.

Two. Leave if he starts writing songs about other people. These will be songs of loss and their details will have nothing to do with you. Shame on you for dating a musician. At your age.

Three. Once you have decided to go, say nice things about him to his friends. Say things they will repeat to him later. Also, and this should be obvious: do not fuck his friends. There is that one who will try to take advantage; the one with all the cashmere sweaters whom you have half a crush on who has already phoned you to ask if everything is all right. Do not do anything that will incriminate you once you are not there to defend yourself.

Four. Buy things to leave in his house, things he won’t have the energy to throw out, like jars of the peanut butter you like. Do not leave things you might want later. Leave hair rubber bands and your toothbrush, but not your Sonicare toothbrush.

Five. Flirt with his mother. Flirt mercilessly until she adores you. Be sure she will chastise him once you go and that she will ask herself repeatedly, “Where did I go wrong?” If you do not smoke, take it up in order to share furtive cigarettes with her in the guest bathroom. Always carry very nice cigarettes, but not overly nice – Nat Sherman, for example, but not Cartier gold-tipped. If you have not already done it by the time you decide to leave, knit a scarf that matches her eyes. When she admires it, take it off your neck and give it to her. It will be easier for her to wear later if she doesn’t think you knitted it specifically for her, and throughout winter and next fall, the scarf itself and his whole family will remind him how gracious you were.

Six. Your handwriting should be ubiquitous: grocery lists left in his coat pockets, telephone messages used as bookmarks, notes on the refrigerator and in his bedside drawer, directions to friends’ houses left in the passenger side door of his car.

Seven. Cry politely. Do not cry like a horse.

Eight. If you must say mean things, say them in a delicate, lovely voice, the same voice you used to say “I love you,” the same voice you used when you made promises you really did intend to keep. Do not shout or make ugly faces.

Nine. The last time he sees you will be the morning. He will come home from work and be surprised to find you gone. Be sure to smell good that morning, even if you have to get up before he does and pat a scent behind your ears. Touch his face softly, even if you have been arguing. Say “goodbye” tenderly, with love, so that he thinks everything will be fine. If you are very good, you will be able to give him that look that assures him everything will be fine, that he will come home and you will be nice again, that all your anger will have turned back to love. This will increase the impact of your departure.

Ten. Write a note on very nice paper. Make it simple. Dear Henry, I have loved you completely. Be too hurt to sign your name.

Eleven. Call a taxi. Have too much pride to phone your brother or your best friend. Leave in tears, broken, and make sure his next door neighbor sees you. She is a stripper and she will comfort him. You will be safe knowing that he’s in the arms of the stripper and not his assistant. Do not go back to retrieve things you have forgotten, like your climbing shoes or laundry you left in the dryer. Once you are gone, be gone for good.

So this weekend, replanned!

Thursday:

Take in Sean's shirts

Take in shirt for Friday

Start cutting fabric for Meg's quilt

Saturday:

Clean floors in kitchen

Unpack car

Start laundry

Sunday:

Organize basement, sort stuff

Finish quilt backing

Start cutting Meg's quilt

Go to Garment District

... PRAN.

Thoughts - Crafty

I totally thought that it might be a great plan to do some DIY crafts and then put them away for a while, to have stored in case of birthday, etc. And then I started thinking about what kind of projects I'd do, and here's my list -

Homemade lavender sachets with beautiful fabric scraps

Wood-burned tray (less likely, because I'd need to buy a woodburner) - or else, just combine two ideas and make a lace doiley wood tray

Herb shelf - spray paint beautiful pots with different herbs, put in a wooden box

Ruffled tea towels

Cake stands (I love this idea - really need to jump on this)

Champagne glasses with "CHEERS" spray-painted on

Teacup candles

So here's what I would need in my craft arsenal for these projects:

Lavender

Mini terracotta pots with wood shelf

Simple white tea towels

Pretty plates / candle sticks

Epoxy

Stencils of "CHEERS"

Clear glass fixative

Teacups

Soy wax

Candle wick

All of these seem marginally easy!

Now all I need is to get my house ready for crafts!

MORE Craft Ideas?

A bird mobile! Lovely!

Adore the tissue paper ceiling cluster. And the frames!

http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/06/29/diy-pallet-reading-bed-for-the-nursery/

I love this idea for Christmas presents - homemade grocery totes - what an elegant present!

http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/11/21/diy-doily-canvas-bag/

I adore these sweater pillows too - I thought of so many great things to make with old sweaters yesterday on the T (neck warmer cowl, leg warmers, fingerless gloves - now I can add pillows to the list): http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/category/be-creative/

This is effin' adorable: http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2010/01/13/diy-paper-bird-painting/

This flower pin looks so easy! http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/11/11/diy-flapper-flower-clip/

Gorgeous ruffled tea towels - Mums would go batshit.

http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/11/12/diy-ruffle-tea-towel/

Goodness, beautiful - Meg would love it.

Further Craft Ideas

Lace doily table runner (like this one: http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/12/07/our-kitchen-remodel-apartment-therapy-the-kitchn/)

* Note - start my dress this weekend!

5 Things

5 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

trip to New York with Sean, summertime in general, my family's trip to Ireland in July, Sean's cousin's wedding in August (meet the fam! whoa!), getting married

5 Things I Did Yesterday:
sent out royalty statements, had lunch with Cupps, talked to Trev on gchat, had dinner with Kim and Rach and laughed our asses off, had somewhat painful sex with Sean

5 Things I Wish I Could do:
whistle, knit, quit my job and move to Hawaii, play the bagpipes, not be scared of my bosses

5 Places I’d Like to Travel To:
barcelona, santorini, the caribbean, puerto rico, california wine country

5 Cute things I've found online lately:

custom headboards, fun wall-hanging groupings, a nice laptop (!!!!),, sweet bed linens, great etsy finds in general

This Weekend, Thoughts

So, talking with my mother last weekend was immensely helpful, more so than I ever thought it would be - she gave me a lot of clarity and perspective, mostly making me realize that overthinking these things will be the doom of me.

Big points:

a) There's no magic formula regarding a percentage of time spent loving Sean and a percentage of time when he make-ah me cuhraaazeee. I can't say oh, he makes me happy 50% of the time, or, oh, he makes me happy 80% of the time. It's a gut feeling. And now, my happiness with Sean so completely outweighs the shitty times that all of the moments when I've thought "Oh, we should break up", they've been half-hearted.

b) Hating someone part of the time that you're in a relationship and not breaking up with them is NOT COMPROMISING YOUR HAPPINESS.

c) Compromising can be a very good thing. You kinda need it for relationships.

d) I have high expectations of people, which means I'm often disappointed.

e) I'm used to getting my way, which means I'm often disappointed.

f) When I'm let down and don't get my way and I'm disappointed, this is often when I grow the most.

Huh. Got it.

This weekend I would like to:

Sand some drawers

Clean the kitchen floor

Do laundry

Unpack my car and sort stuff

Start cutting my quilt

Take in Sean's shirts.

Focus

So, this weekend was a bit of a hedonistic one (drinking, food- threeee damn bagels anyone? seriously?). Now it's back to serious game-face. This week, I will

a) read at least 200 pages of CLOUD ATLAS

b) get my other book club read from the library

c) ask for a raise

d) start cutting out my quilt

e) go to the gym three times

f) take in Sean's shirts

NO DRINKING - HEALTHY FOOD.

Interesting

You're an ORGANIZER

Keywords

Self-Control, Practical, Self-Contained, Orderly, Systematic, Precise, and Accurate

These conservative appearing, plotting-types enjoy organizing, data systems, accounting, detail, and accuracy. They often enjoy mathematics and data management activities such as accounting and investment management. Persistence and patience allows them to do detailed paperwork, operate office machines, write business reports, and make charts and graphs.

ORGANIZER CAREERS
Suggested careers are Administrator, Secretary, Printer, Paralegal, Building Inspector, Bank Cashier, Private Secretary, Statistician, Operations Manager, Financial Analyst, Bookkeeper, Medical Records Technician, Developer of Business or Computer Systems, Clerical Worker, Proofreader, Accountant, Administrative Assistant, Banker, Certified Public Accountant, Credit Manager, Store Salesperson, Actuary, Dental Assistant, Business Education Teacher, Food Service Manager, IRS Agent, Budget Analyst, and Underwriter.

ORGANIZER WORKPLACES
Your very careful, conscientious, conservative nature gives others the confidence to trust you with handling money and material possessions. Structured organizations that have well-ordered chains of command work best for you.

Suggested Organizer workplaces are large corporations, business offices, financial lending institutions, banks, insurance companies, accounting firms, and quality control and inspection departments.

2nd Best Occupational Category

You're a DOER

Keywords:

Emotionally Stable, Reliable, High Energy, Practical, Thrifty, and Persistent

These adventurous types prefer action-oriented, concrete problems rather than dealing with thought-provoking, ambiguous, abstract dilemmas. Fields of interest include mechanical, construction, and outdoor careers. They might also enjoy working with machines, tools, and equipment to repair or build something.

• Section I: You and Your Team
  This personality overview section highlights your natural workplace talents—the tasks you pursue with passion. You'll learn how your natural strengths complement those of your coworkers and how, joining forces, you can resolve on-the-job dilemmas.
• Section II: Your Key To Success
  Here you discover your capacity for dispelling disruption and maximizing profitability. Use this proven, beyond-self-perception advice to create a more positive career path free of detours.
• Section III: Managing Strengths and Weaknesses
  Your evaluation's highest and lowest scores result in this section's recommendations for staying on-track in your career and reversing wrong turns. In focusing on your talents and missteps, you'll re-stoke your energy and enthusiasm for managing costly mistakes.
• Section IV: Leadership Power Moves
  This final section identifies your "street sense," those power moves that turn obstacles into insignificant details. Here suggestions based on your color-ranked evaluations will guide you towards making the most of an interview or harnessing your fast-paced workday.
  
  

The Full Report: Includes...

• An in depth, stay-on-track guide to your career options.
• How to maximize on-the-job and interview strengths.
• Street sense, obstacle-solving, leadership power moves.

Um WOW

Fuck you Callaghan. How on EARTH did you think this would be a good plan for Valentine's Day?

I don't need you to go all out, and I know that maybe I'm calling things before they happen, and I should probably relax and see what you come up with, but, after last year, the ball is so unbelievably dropped that I want to hit you.

I should really be with someone who wants to try.

Valentines Day

I am REALLY working on trusting Sean, and letting him take the reins (for once).

But I'm worried about Valentine's Day. That's it. Plain and simple.

Not Drinking - An Update

So, in the past week and a half, since I started "not drinking", I have had - 1 beer, 2 sips of wine, 2 sips of Dark n' Stormy.

I think that I've realized that this whole "not drinking" thing is a little intense, and maybe I have all these conflicting feelings about it because I don't feel like it's necessary? Like, as in, I'm not an alcoholic, so why should I stop?

Granted, one of the beers was at Jennifer Coolidge, because I felt more awkward not drinking.

But the sips were relaxing at Sean's house, and while I'm somewhat concerned that I "needed" a drink, or at least to just taste one or two sips of said beer, I'm also happy that it was just that - a sip or two. I'm not perfect, and I don't feel like it's necessary to hold myself to this weird standard of not drinking. So, I'd like to not drink this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

HOWEVER: these two weeks of not drinking have resulted in.... 120 pounds. Almost my damn high school weight. Little to no belly pudge. And a MUCH better feeling, in general.

Sometimes Sean's drinking worries me. The whole needs-to-have-booze every single night? It's weird.

I worry sometimes that Sean thinks "being set in his ways" means "not willing to try". That could be problematic.

Weekend

This weekend is going to be awesome. I'm so, so, so, so excited.

Weekend

I am excited for:

Quilting and crafting with Mum n' Co.

Seeing Sweeno / Jane / Ben Martin.

Curling up in pajamas in bed.

Having Mummy take care of me.

Valentines Day, low-key style.

Being in Maine with Sean.

Finishing meh projects so I can move on to ones I'm more excited about.

I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I have a lot to offer.

Copying Email

I'm copying the email that I've forwarded to... well... several parties at this point, because I think that it sums up how I need to be and the changes I need to make in very accurate statements:

sean and i talked last night, which was necessary - i've really felt that i haven't had a chance to express all of my feelings from the weekend, just because they've been so muddled and complicated (anger, sadness, absolute despair).

but last night i think that i finally got to express them and discuss it with him, and address a lot of larger issues (i.e. i'm scared that he doesn't love me for me when he corrects me all the time, why did he make all these promises when we first started dating and then reneg on them, what are his worries, etc. etc.)

and sean straight-up said that he understands that he put me in a shit position and he's sorry. he understands that he was unfair to me, and i don't deserve that. also, he wants me to know that he loves me for me... he always has. he gets upset when i do shitty things... i.e. he loves me but doesn't always love what i do.

and i told him that i know that this past year has been a roller-coaster, mostly because in my previous relationship, i got away with a TON of bad behavior (as you ladies know, with trevor), and this past year for me, has basically been me trying to un-learn all of these shitty bad habits that i'm used to (i.e. manipulation, getting my way, causing drama for drama's sake, being needy)... and i know that the year has been hard on him because i've basically been doing this while i'm dating sean. perhaps, in an alternate universe, sean would be the relationship where i learned how to be in a healthy relationship, and then we'd break up and i'd do better with the next guy. but the point is, as sean has said to me, and i've said to him - i don't want to figure out how to be in a relationship correctly to just move on to the next guy. i want to do it for sean. with sean. so i can understand why this is difficult for sean because i'd imagine its like watching a ton of demons get exorcised from his girlfriend-who-he-thought-was-kinda-normal, all within the span of a year.

but i explained to sean that the reason i'm hopeful is that i see that, despite the arguments we get into now, we've discovered a better way of being in the past six months that i never thought i would see with a boyfriend. i recognize the changes in myself (my parents have as well) - i'm quicker to apologize, more ready to admit my mistakes, more careful about his feelings, i don't cause drama for drama's sake, and i've quelled the neediness (for the most part). so even though sean sees a series of arguments and worries that we're not improving, i see that i'm happier now and in a more healthy, stable relationship than i've been a part of in my whole life. so that's what gives me hope.

so for those reasons, i understand why sean is hesitant to discuss anything future-related, only because the past year has been a rollercoaster for him and he's scared of committing before we've reached a more stable even place. but as i improve, and discover things about myself, and figure out how i want to be, i know that i can make this a more stable environment, both for him and for myself.

so i just have to relax and reset, and instead of focusing on the future, focus on how i can bring my best to us, now.

your support has meant the world to me. and your kind words have helped me understand that i want to make sure i love a man who loves me for me. at the end of the day, even though i know i have many faults, i like myself. i LOVE myself. and sean needs to be happy with me, just as i am, through the shitty periods and through the good. otherwise, it's simply not meant to be.

so for now, i'm going to focus on bringing my best to my relationship, and if the future falls into place, it will.

Better

The advice is simple: Do what makes you happy. Don't settle for less than you're worth. Don't take crap from anyone.

Sound Advice

I think the key to a good relationship is understanding that a spouse/life partner is just another relative. And just like any other relative, some days you are going to love the devil out of them, and some days you are going to swear they are the devil.

You can't go into a relationship with the expectation of endless passion and perfection. You have to go into a relationship with the expectation of living life around each other--it's like a dance.

For me, I tossed out everything I had on my "perfect man" list and reduced it to this: Someone I can be 100% of myself with, without feeling ashamed or worrying about looking stupid. When I found that (in my 30s), I married him. Believe me, being able to be myself without embarrassment is worth more than firework-kisses to me any day of the week.

Sometimes, it is lousy. Sometimes, it is glorious. Most of the time, it's just simply comfortable. Comfortable is nice. Very, very nice.

*Very good advice. Do I feel like I can be myself around Sean? No, not 100%.

What Am I Angry About?

I'm angry because I want Sean to follow my time-line. I want him to be on the same page with me, WHEN I AM. I'm angry because I think he should know by now. I'm angry because the things that he said to me felt like promises, and he's reneg-ing on them. I'm angry because he doesn't know, because he said I do immature things, like he expects me to act old all the time, and I'm angry because he openly admits he's set in his ways, but he won't ever try to change that.

I'm angry because HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER GIVE ME A REASON TO LEAVE. AND HE HAS.

So, So Lonely

The feelings of sadness, misery, loneliness, and despair are just... beyond palpable right now. They're taking over.

He said he'd never give me a reason to leave. And he has.

Well.

This weekend sucked.

It was sad and depressing and harrowing and difficult and it made me incredibly unhappy and unsettled.

Basically everything that I've thought about Sean and I, and the way we were going, was just... dead wrong.

Not that I'm not special to him. Not that he doesn't love me. Not that this isn't an important relationship. Not that he doesn't see this going somewhere.

It's that he doesn't know.

It's that, by now, he doesn't know.

Also, that I do things that are immature. Well, fuck you, you stubborn old bastard, because I'm goddam 23.

But I don't want to break up with him. I don't want to leave him. I just want him to know.

I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I'm so so so angry. I don't know how to react, and I don't know how to deal with the upcoming weeks. I'm just so full of weight, and sadness.

I've decided to take Ian's advice, which is, to say, that I have to find my own fulfillment, and if Sean's along for the ride, so be it. If not, I will be fine. This will be a long relationship that fell apart and is sad, but I will be okay.

If it falls apart, it's because it was meant to. It's because I wasn't enough for Sean, or he wasn't enough for me. And at the end of the day, instead of forcing something that's not meant to be, I have to let it evolve as it will.

But I'm incredibly, incredibly sad right now.

This Weekend, I Would Like To:

Go to the gym and use weights.

Cook something delicious with that chicken.

Spray-paint my bedside lamps.

Go to the Goodwill store in Davis.

Clean clean clean.

Change the sheets on my bed.

Go to TJMaxx and see if I can't get some fleece sheets.

Nerve-Racking

I know that this is all in my head, and I just need to relax. But dear god, I am SO nervous about Saturday night. Like, beyond nervous. Terrified, in fact. This is it. Esmond is actually, actually going to be taking me, and Chris Castellani, and everyone else in the entire world, to the Jennifer Coolidge show. I am SO above and beyond nervous. I'm actually just flipping my shit.

No More Booze!

So I've challenged myself to not drink for the next 31 days. Or, by now, 26 days. That's a tall order, from someone who loves nothing more than a stemless wine glass filled with Sauvignon. But I've realized that I'm not so good about moderation, if I exercise any at all, and this realization has fueled the understanding that I just gotta quit cold turkey.

Surprisingly though (and perhaps this is only cause it's Day 3), I've found it easier than I thought. Removing the option altogether, instead of dithering and saying "Oh I'll try to cut back maybe I guess" has really just made things cut and dry for me. And bringing lots of people onboard, people who I would generally be drinking with (like Sean or Mum, or the galpals) has been very helpful because I've asked them all to support me and not encourage me to slip up.

It's going to be an experiment. I want to see how it affects my body. I want to see how I respond to it - I'm intrigued, really. No more hangovers? No more UTI's? Will my skin clear up? Will my belly pudge disappear?

But more importantly, I've never really quit anything before, and I want to know that I can. So here we go. Countdown - 26 days.

Strange Dream

About Andrew Sweeney - also, very violent dream. Max Scherr was there. Andrew held on to me gently in the corner of a field. We were at school. Everybody was staring. Because it's him (and me, presumably). I could feel his arms holding me against him. And his hands worked their way into my pockets and held mine, to keep them warm.

I remember feeling incredibly incredibly safe, and also a little bit in awe that this was happening.

And then, of course, the dream devolved into FBI agents storming the field, because Max Scherr had kicked a missile down into the field, and crazy drug lords and serial killers and Al-Queada and the like hid down there. And FBI wanted to bomb the field.

And then I was down there and I was in a bedroom that turned out to be a hotel that turned out to be a hospital and I was trying to sneak down the corridors without letting anyone hear me. And then I got to the busy part of the hospital... whew! And then I saw Jessica from True Blood and she'd been raped by the Al-Qaueda and she was so crazy and violent with a black eye and then I watched her stab her brother and his wife with hypodermic needles and then everyone was being strangled by invisible string.

CRAAAAAAZY.

But I remember really liking Andrew Sweeney's arms around me.

More Goals

Very excited for the quilt I want to start, after finishing alll these other projects. Sean's, the mix of men's shirts (or perhaps it'll be flannel instead of dress blue) will be stunning for his birthday. I very much hope he enjoys it. And for me? A scrap / strip quilt. I think it'll be fantabulous.

Also -

Write a book.

Inspiration struck last night at 4 am. A book about a young, almost 30-year-old book editor who takes over the sale of her grandfather's house after he passes away. They've always been enormously close, and they bond over their shared love of literature, as not only was her grandfather a bestselling novelist, but he was also dearest friends with everyone from the Beat poets to J.D. Salinger. After his death, her mother goes into a deep depression, and the young book editor decides to handle the sale of the house, her grandfather's stunning sprawling Long Island dream-house. During all this, she meets a handsome young fellow on the commuter train who challenges her ideas of romance. Alas, a tragic accident befalls him, and he almost dies in the middle of their blossoming love, which in turn teaches her about death and acceptance. She sells the house and decides to write a book, inspired by her grandfather's legacy.

I Can't Get No...

Dr. Goldman (peach) has said that right now, in these times of abrupt and difficult transitions, I have to do things that leave me fulfilled. Things that I, by myself, do, things that nurture me in small or big ways. So I've decided to make a list:

Baking things

Cooking delicious meals

Reorganizing

Cleaning

Knitting my scarf while watching TV

Snuggling with a glass of wine in the evening

Watching plants grow

Gardening

Taking walks

Wandering through Second Time Around

Writing

Refinishing projects

Reading through old magazines

Cleaning out the basement

Goodwilling / thrifting

Painting my nails

Reading good books

Quilting

Got The Wanderin' Blues

January leaves me bluesy and in the dumps. This weekend was rough. A lot of tears and gnashing of the teeth. The cold, the wet, the rain, the darkness... it all leaves me feeling so fragile and sandpapered. It leaves me with a profound sense of restlessness, of unhappiness with the direction my life has taken, and no amount of pampering or careful self-love ever really leaves me fulfilled. I find myself hating my job and feeling underappreciated, and I feel lonely, misunderstood, and dull. It's depressing, and it's miserable.

Tired

Of my effin' UTI.

Tired of my face breaking out like madness on wheels. Retinoid, I'm done with you.

Tired of Democrats, Republicans, all of it. Sick to death of political battles and pundits and scandals. Scott Brown won. Fuck that man.

Tired of work being scary and feeling incredibly overwhelming.

Tired of being a fat lard.

Tired of sadness and fear.

W.T.F.T.

WTF Tuesday.

Scott Brown and Martha Coakley are neck-to-neck. In hindsight, my own troubles aren't nearly as significant.

But Jesus Christ, after fitfully sleeping and waking up every two hours, the attack of the UTI at 5 am was pretty brutal. Combine that with my 5:40 am shower after lying awake staring at the ceiling, my morning trip to Shaw's only to find that they don't carry meds for UTI's, and then my way-too-early polls trip... grrr. I want to go back to bed THIS MINUTE. I'm terrified that Scott Brown's going to win, and we'll go down the shitter in flames. Dear sweet Jesus. Please let Martha win.

And then I come into work, to an array of problems that I'm dealing with: at least book group is cancelled tonight. I'd just skip it.

But thank you, Rachel, you ugly-as-sin-cunt for DESTROYING the copy machine beyond the point of no return. What the fuck. Sitting on the pitch call listening to her slam shit into place... I just... dear sweet Jesus. This week already sucks.

I. Hate. Today.

Crafty Goals, Mon

Crafty / decor-inspired goals for 2010 (yeah, yeah, I've posted this):

Paint a picture

Stretch silk scarves over canvas

Refinish bureau

Refinish chairs

Make a headboard

Finish quilt for self

Finish quilt for Sean

Craft a seed-bead cell necklace

Sew a dress

Sew a fleece yoga sweatshirt

Craft a fabric flower necklace

Start doing own Polaroid photography

Knit mittens

Paint bookshelves in bedroom

Fashion bulletin board for back of closet

Have a garden

Paint shelf mirror in bedroom

These are my goals. I'm going to work at accomplishing at least one a month. There are seventeen in all.

Woooooo!

More Therapy

Also, take a more active approach to each of our fears.

I.E. when he's withdrawing, I saw "I noticed you're withdrawing, and I suspect it's because I'm (smothering you, arguing with you). I'm feeling a little uneasy and weird right now, which is why I'm smothering. If you could just give me some reassurance or a hug, I will be in a better place to give you the space you need."

Wow. I can do that.

Mantra

Air is good.

Space is good.

Light is good.

Nobody's dying.

Nobody's leaving.

You have to trust that he will give you what you need.

Thank You, Weekend

For being relaxed, laid-back and lovely.

Thank you for letting me take care of half the shit I needed too (blinds! lampshades!), and for letting me see my friends. Thanks for two workouts (half-assed, but still!). Thanks for True Blood, Harry Potter, delicious dinner, and wine. Thanks for naps cozied up with Bear.

Frigid? NONSENSE.

I've always had big hangups about sex. Namely, that I'm this weird, frigid creature who can't get off "during". I've always loved sex with Sean (don't get me wrong). He's incredible and sexy and yummy and I can't get enough of him and he seems to always know what feels good. But last night... last night was out of control.

I've always been envious of Sean's exes who orgasmed from sex (just one, actually - biiiitch). I've always felt that there was something missing in our sex life, mainly the common, shared goal of INTERCOURSE, of orgasming from intercourse. He can always get me off, but he does, and then I fuck him. There was the disconnect, again. We weren't sharing the experience. But last night, orgasming simultaneously with him, while feeling him push into me was the most incredible feeling that I've had in a long time. I was thoroughly, completely satiated. Although it wasn't the most earth-shattering orgasm per se... (I mean, aren't they all good?), knowing that we had reached this experience together was what mattered. Sex wasn't quick, or easy. It was good and sexy and delicious and languid.

YES.

Once Again - Goals

1. Make a headboard - refinish my bureau.
2. Sell a book.
3. Go to the gym at least three times a week.
4. Get a raise and save it - increase 401K, pay off more student loans.
5. Less expectation - more trust.