The Way It Goes

I guess this is the way it goes.

Two steps forward.

One step back.

Little bits of progress.

Tiny, tiny motions forward.

And the hope.

The shred of hope that was once barely even discernible, or maybe at one point, not even there at all.

And then it becomes a shred. And then a little tiny light. And eventually, as the sun continues to shine and I continue to sleep through the night and I journal and write and eat and breathe and cry and turn on lights and turn off lights and make my bed and shower and run and scream and laugh and smile, it will become a beacon.

I will be... alright.

No.

I will be more than alright.

This is my chance to find myself.

To really, truly, honestly, find myself.

To fall in love with myself.

To find confidence, and happiness, and inner peace.

And only when I truly love me, when I have the confidence that is just for me and not for anyone else, will I consider the possibility of looking for love again.

I have always been afraid of being alone. I have always been afraid of losing Sean. It terrified me, because I didn't know how to be without him. So I held on by my fingernails, even when it killed me so much and hurt me so deeply.

And then the unimaginable happened. And I lost him.

And I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive. And I believe, maybe sometimes more often than other times, that I will be okay.

I love myself. And I have to find myself again. I have to find the things that I lost. The happiness. The joy. The exuberance, and lust for life. The adventurousness and love for activity. The pleasure found in doing things, in going places, in experiencing life. I have to find the ridiculous sense of humor, teh empathy, the caring, the kindness, the openess, the emotional maturity, the strength.

I am beautiful. That is true. But I am so much more than that. I have wisdom well beyond my years. I am fantastically funny, intuitive, and smart. I know a LOT. About a LOT of things. I'm interesting. I'm beyond talented. I make things happen in ways that are absolutely astounding. I am never vanquished, and time and time again, I have picked myself up... MYSELF. Only I could pick myself up, and I have, and I'll do it again. The only person I need at night is me. The only person I need to cuddle in the morning is me. I have it all. I have it in spades. I am a wonderful wonderful human being. Yes, I have many weaknesses. But they are things that I accept and try to improve, always, which is such a damn amazing thing. Moreso, I have reached a level of kindness, empathy, and forgiveness in my young 23 years that is beyond incredible. I am strong, and brilliant.

And I deserve the world. There is nothing that I don't deserve. I deserve someone who will love every inch of me, who will adore me for me and never ask me to be anything but the fantastic, wonderful woman that I am. I want that, and I don't want to settle for less.

But first, I have to love myself. Which means that the voices inside me crowding my head and thoughts, the ones that tell me I'm somehow "less", the ones that cut me down and make me think that I don't deserve the things I do, that my plans aren't "worthy", that my wants are "ridiculous"... these are the voices that I have to work on silencing. Because they're hurtful, and they're poison, and they're untrue. I want what I want. And I get to ask for what I want. And I have faith that I'll find it.

Clarity

With startling, absolute, acute clarity, I realized:

I don't have to be afraid anymore.

All of the fear... of being alone... that I would break... that I would curl up and die and the pain would be so unimaginable that I could even begin to bear it....

I have borne it. I have survived it. And I can survive anything, anything that comes my way.

I don't have to be afraid anymore. Of anything.

It's going to hurt like a bitch. For a long time. And I'll be angry, and furious, and have moments of clarity, and then moments of complete and utter sadness.

But I will survive it. As I can survive anything.

I winked at someone today.

Life goes on.

All The Things That I Want To Say

I miss you. Every minute of the day. I miss the mornings, which were for us. I miss the evenings, when we'd snuggle. I miss your face, your breath, your smell, your kisses, your hands, the way you held me, dear fucking god I feel as if my chest is going to crack open, this hurts so much.

I miss you constantly. Everything I do reminds me of you. The things that I loved, that you love too. I can't keep emailing you. I can't call. I can't drive over and see you.

I have to be stronger than this, so I"m writing it here.

But I'm angry too. I'm angry because you asked me to get on board, and then you reneged. You asked me to commit, and I did, and then you couldn't. I loved you, and I tried to be better for you, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't forgive, because I loved you that damn much. I forgave your drinking, your smoking, your distance, your moodiness, your forgetfulness, when you didn't write me a love letter, when I wasn't sure what you wanted, when you wouldn't burn me a mix CD, when we wouldn't go on dates, when you wouldn't meet me for lunch, when you wanted space. I forgave when you cheated on me.

I will own my part in this, which is that I held on to a lot of bad behavior... for a long time. But every minute, I was trying. I was trying to be better for you.

And I also imposed my plans on you. I imposed my dreams on you. Because at first you were on board, and then you weren't. And that hurt a lot. You can't call me Wife-To-Be, and then not.

I can't fix you. You have to fix yourself. I can't fix this. I tried. It's supposed to be easier than this. It's supposed to not hurt this much. It's not supposed to take this much talking, and fixing, and changing. But I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop the talks. Because nothing changed. We went over and over and over again, how much we wanted things to change. But they didn't. You never did anything concrete to make it better. You just strung me along. You didn't stand up to me. You just kept me hoping, kept me hoping, instead of standing up and saying "this isn't working".

I'm angry at you, and I miss you.

And I have to believe that I'll find someone again.

But first, I have to find myself.

All of the pieces that I lost when I was with you.

All of the compromises that I made, that I thought I would never make.

All the dreams that I had that weren't fulfilled.

All of the things that I wanted that you wouldn't give.

I still want them. I still deserve them.

I am not ordinary. I am extraordinary. And I hope in the next few months, I realize this. I hope I have moments when I can appreciate that I'm beautiful, and smart, and brilliant, and funny. And that I'm desirable, and wonderful, and emotionally mature, and that I have depth and wisdom. And the right person will appreciate every inch of these qualities, will appreciate me, and will know that even though relationships can be hard, one with me is WORTH IT. It's worth it... because I would have given you everything.

I.... did... give you everything. I'm worth trying. I'm worth going halfway for. And though I can't conceive of ever loving someone ever again, I know that it will happen. I know that there will be a day when I don't cry at all. I know that it will be two steps forward, and then one back. I know that there will be nights I don't sleep, and nights when I miss you so much that I feel as if I'm going to break open and explode with the pain.

It's a death. It's a death, Sean.

Even typing your name hurts.

You were there. And then you weren't.

You were the love of my life. Until you weren't.

You were my pick. My match. My choice. Until you weren't.

You were here. In my life. With me. Next to me. My partner.

And now you're not.

And I just have to breathe through this. Get through it, hour by hour. Forgive myself for the hurt and the pain, for my actions, for the sadness, for reaching out over and over again to the same people, asking them to tell me the same thing. They will be here for me. They will always be here for me. Even when you're not.

I can be brave. I can take it, each hour. I will cry and ache, ache, ache, ache, ache for the loss of you.

But I will get through it.

Little by little.

Piece by piece.

I will remember everything that I loved about myself. I will remember all of the things that there are to love. I will not feel guilty for admiring myself constantly, for feeling beautiful and grand and special. I need to love myself. I need to hug myself at night. I will NOT EVER FEEL AGAIN like I don't deserve everything. Not someone who will necessarily treat me like a princess. Not someone who will put me on a pedestal. Not just anyone.

But someone who knows I'm worth it. For better or for worse. For all of my wonderful qualities, and all of my not-so-great qualities. Someone who feels as lucky as I do. Someone who makes me feel lucky.

I deserve that.

I will find it.

I will miss you. Every day.

But I deserve this.

And I will find love.

And I will love myself.

And I will never again make the mistake of falling in love and losing myself.

Now I'm Angry

He cheated. And made me feel like I didn't deserve what I asked for. And then blamed me for asking me for too much.

Shame on him.

Shame on him for not taking ownership. For telling me I'm too young, and immature. For not taking a stand.

I Will

Remember all the good things about him. And it will hurt like a bitch.

But the things that I deserve still stand.

Golden Nugget

I have to move on.

The End

There is someone out there who will give me what I want. Who will make me truly, truly, deeply happy.

And I'm young. And I deserve that.

Whatever Transpires...

It will happen over the next few months. You cannot rush this or force it, no matter how much you might want to. You can't push a future that's unforeseeable.

You might want to know now, and you may want to prepare yourself for all the possible outcomes.

You might want to curl up like a turtle and build a hard shell of protect-able possibilities around you. You will want to envision the worst, from him with another woman, to him leaving you, to this going on for a long time, to you never finding anyone like him again, him not wanting kids. And you'll want to envision the best, a long life together, babies, a wedding in your backyard.

But none of this means anything. And none of this can possibly 'prepare' you in any way for whatever the future will bring. Envisioning it in your head will not make the outcomes more likely, or less / more painful. It will only serve to remove you from the here-and-now, from the healing that you should be doing for yourself.

You must focus on the now. On the being together when you are, and comforting yourself and bringing yourself joy when you're not. On healing, on peace, on thoughtful, kind, self-attention. No one expects you to not hurt. Your feelings about this are all your own, and whether you feel lonely, joyful, or like you might cry for the rest of your life, be there. Be in them. Allow whatever comes up to come up, and sit with it. Let it wash through you in waves. Feel it deep in the heart of you and remember that you're human, that you're fallible, and that you are allowed to hurt.

But also revel in these moments, because they are testimonies of your strength.

Every day that you keep on going, get out of bed, work, see friends, go home, go the gym... this a testimony to you, to your bravery, to your courage. It is a wonder that you function at all, not to mention that it is a sheer miracle that you can turn your face up to the sun and feel moments of bliss, no matter how small or insignificant. Revel in your strength. Revel in your resilience. Know, know, in the deepest cave-like spaces of your heart, that no matter what the world throws at you, you will keep on breathing. You will wake up in the morning, even when you feel like dying. You will eat, and sleep, and cry, and then there will be moments when you feel joy, and you can laugh again. And because of your strength, and what you've endured, and what you can endure... nothing that the world throws at you will ever be able to bring you under.

Know, know in your bones, that whatever happens will happen. You can only control your own life, your own actions, your own responses. So be brave, and be good to yourself. Love him firmly and completely, but do not forget to love yourself first and foremost. Settle into the unknowing. Settle into the uncertainty. Let it wash through you and allow yourself to feel momentary terror, but then relax into it and you will find it doesn't hurt as much.

You are beautiful, and intrepid, and a pillar of strength. You are a miracle. Love him, but love yourself. Comfort yourself. Breathe it in, breathe it out.

Turn your face to the sun.

Convo

me: it's not that, maybe

i just don't think he loves me enough to change

i don't know if we can get through this

Elysse: Listen I don't believe that an individual remains unchanged thru their lifetime

We are constantly changing

Even subtley

I think that in this situation he is already 'changed' I think fear just gets in the way

Fear of the unknown

Fear that he could care about you so much that he could be happy with you the rest of his life

That you are the person he fell in love with

The media hypes this stuff up so much that when it actually happens it is so scary

Kate the fact of the matter is

Having you in his life makes it harder to take the easy way out

And harder to become the better person that's inside him (that we all know is inside each one of us)

That may be scary for him (like it is for joe)

me: that was... possibly the best thing i've heard in a while

he can't pull his bullshit on me

he told me that

he said that i'm one of the two women in his life who he can't pull bullshit with

Elysse: Exactly!

me: the other being his ex-fiancee

Elysse: We call them out

me: which means that he has to take a long hard look at himself

if he wants to make this work

Elysse: That scares him!

He is afraid he's gonna get hurt again!

No matter how frequently you tell him otherwise its hard for him to internalize that!

me: yes.

yes.

you're right.

I Just Plain Hate You Sometimes

Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you for needing space.

I understand where you're coming from. And fuck you.

Kate, breathe. This is a big deal. If you can give him space this week and next week, think about how much better it will be for you. For him. For you and for him.

You need this space, to be okay. He needs this space, to be okay. If the space makes him and you both realize how much you want to make it work, than so be it. But this space will also help you realize that you can, you can, you can, and you may well might, be absolutely fine without him.

This. Is. Good.

FOCUS ON THIS

I have to think about this:

Both Sean and I want the US to workout. We want us. We are fighting for us. We're both going to fight as hard as we can for us.

So if it doesn't work out, it really honestly truly was not meant to be.

i think that i would like life to stop being so sad and difficult and defeating.

it hurts and it's painful and it makes my heart ache.

Sean

sean and i have been... on the rocks for a few months now. shit's going down in ways that are so painful and sad. we had a state of the union address two weeks ago where we decided to take all of our plans off the table and really focus on taking some space from each other and coming together when it's quality time. but then shit imploded again this weekend when some really upsetting stuff was revealed. i'm so sad and freaked out and feel very very alone and vulnerable. sean has agreed to go to therapy, which is very important to me. he's had a lot of feelings about "us", and he's also carrying a lot of baggage, but he's had no outlets for these things, which means that over the past few months he's been 'acting out' in ways that are increasingly damaging to our relationship and upsetting. i've gotten to a point where i can't handle it anymore - he knows he's been hurting me and acting like an asshole, as he admitted - sounds like the exact same with adam. sean hasn't wanted to have sex, hes' been really distant and increasingly irritable... it's a lot to take in.

i also got diagnosed with sleep apnea, which is pretty crazy, and i have to have a rather scary tonsillectomy / adenoid removal in teh first weekend of april, which is slightly terrifying. it has a huge long recovery process, where i'll hopefully be at home to recover.

so i guess for the next month, until my surgery, i'm going to really focus on being by myself, taking care of myself, and getting into optimal health for the surgery. sean is going to focus on taking some time and space and working with a therapist, and whatever coems up will come up. hopefully by the time i'm recovered in mid-april, we will have a better sense of where things stand.

i want to believe with all my heart that if two people want to make it work, and want it badly enough, they can overcome anything. but with sean, i don't know. i've realized that this has to be his process. his issues are so beyond me, and my frustrations and close-to-giving-up feelings come from the past few months of trying to be the "optimal girlfriend" for him, not realizing that i couldn't fix things even if i wanted to.

but at this point, i don't know. all bets are off the table. we have no plans for the future, no nothing - certainly not the sense that we're moving towards anything. mostly there's the sense that we're hanging on by our fingernails. this weekend really shook me up, and i feel completely untethered and fearful.

my mom told me, and i'll tell you, that no matter what happened, i would be okay. if sean and i broke up, i would be okay. if we stayed together, i would be okay. mostly because i'm strong, more strong than i know, and i would survive it.

perhaps the hardest part of all of this is that i don't think i actually believe that. if i had more faith in myself, i wouldn't be so afraid all the time. but at the crux of it, i'm not sure i really believe in myself.

Good Things

This morning, when I asked Sean whether or not he'd ever cheat on me, he said:

"I have a lot more to lose in this. I would never. I love you Kate. Even when things aren't as great as I'd hope."

I'm glad he knows that. I'm glad he knows that I'm worth it.

Centered

It's very very very nice having my own space.

The world is full of possibilities. And for the first time I've realized that Sean is not my only one. I have more options than I know what do with.

But Sean's right - a step back is in order.

I have tried my darndest. And I'm sick of goddam trying. I'm going to sit back and let him figure his shit out. And whatever he decides, I know that it won't be for my lack of trying, or any of my shortcomings. But in the meantime, I'm going to fill my life with friends and pastimes and gym visits and coffee breaks and hobbies. I'll finish Meg's quilt. I'll watch Greek episodes. I'll cook at home, and stay at the gym past 8. I'll see my friends, and get Starbucks during my lunch breaks. And when it gets sunny out, I'll take long luxurious walks in the park.

I'll strip my bureau, hang up pictures, bake, and cook delicious meals for me. I'll lounge in my princess marshmallow cloud of a bed and read trashy books.

I thought, when I started this journal, that this was what I would be doing. But now I know with certainty. A night without Sean no longer holds the terror that it did, but instead, comfort and possibilities.

I'm going to fill my life with things that make me happy. And if he's one of them, he's welcome to come along for the ride.

Poof

Time to focus on me, me, me.

That means, work work work. Friends friends friends.

I'm giving us a month to get back on track. That means a month to start feeling like Sean actually brings something to my life, instead of depressing me and turning my emotions inside out. And if I am going to start seeing other people, so be it. But this.... can't sustain. And if he's not IT, then he's not.

That makes me so unbelievably sad to write, but, at this point, like my therapist said, I have to focus on the fact that we ARE still dating. We're not breaking up. He doesn't want to break up. He just wants some space and time for things to go back to normal. And HE has to fix that. Not me. So if he doesn't come around in a little bit, then it's not for my lack of trying.

But I deserve better than this. And I deserve to be happier than this, right now. So, things have to change on his end... and hopefully with some space and time to process, they will.

But we're still dating and he still loves me. So right now, I just have to focus on myself for a while.