This Weekend, Thoughts

So, talking with my mother last weekend was immensely helpful, more so than I ever thought it would be - she gave me a lot of clarity and perspective, mostly making me realize that overthinking these things will be the doom of me.

Big points:

a) There's no magic formula regarding a percentage of time spent loving Sean and a percentage of time when he make-ah me cuhraaazeee. I can't say oh, he makes me happy 50% of the time, or, oh, he makes me happy 80% of the time. It's a gut feeling. And now, my happiness with Sean so completely outweighs the shitty times that all of the moments when I've thought "Oh, we should break up", they've been half-hearted.

b) Hating someone part of the time that you're in a relationship and not breaking up with them is NOT COMPROMISING YOUR HAPPINESS.

c) Compromising can be a very good thing. You kinda need it for relationships.

d) I have high expectations of people, which means I'm often disappointed.

e) I'm used to getting my way, which means I'm often disappointed.

f) When I'm let down and don't get my way and I'm disappointed, this is often when I grow the most.

Huh. Got it.

This weekend I would like to:

Sand some drawers

Clean the kitchen floor

Do laundry

Unpack my car and sort stuff

Start cutting my quilt

Take in Sean's shirts.

Copying Email

I'm copying the email that I've forwarded to... well... several parties at this point, because I think that it sums up how I need to be and the changes I need to make in very accurate statements:

sean and i talked last night, which was necessary - i've really felt that i haven't had a chance to express all of my feelings from the weekend, just because they've been so muddled and complicated (anger, sadness, absolute despair).

but last night i think that i finally got to express them and discuss it with him, and address a lot of larger issues (i.e. i'm scared that he doesn't love me for me when he corrects me all the time, why did he make all these promises when we first started dating and then reneg on them, what are his worries, etc. etc.)

and sean straight-up said that he understands that he put me in a shit position and he's sorry. he understands that he was unfair to me, and i don't deserve that. also, he wants me to know that he loves me for me... he always has. he gets upset when i do shitty things... i.e. he loves me but doesn't always love what i do.

and i told him that i know that this past year has been a roller-coaster, mostly because in my previous relationship, i got away with a TON of bad behavior (as you ladies know, with trevor), and this past year for me, has basically been me trying to un-learn all of these shitty bad habits that i'm used to (i.e. manipulation, getting my way, causing drama for drama's sake, being needy)... and i know that the year has been hard on him because i've basically been doing this while i'm dating sean. perhaps, in an alternate universe, sean would be the relationship where i learned how to be in a healthy relationship, and then we'd break up and i'd do better with the next guy. but the point is, as sean has said to me, and i've said to him - i don't want to figure out how to be in a relationship correctly to just move on to the next guy. i want to do it for sean. with sean. so i can understand why this is difficult for sean because i'd imagine its like watching a ton of demons get exorcised from his girlfriend-who-he-thought-was-kinda-normal, all within the span of a year.

but i explained to sean that the reason i'm hopeful is that i see that, despite the arguments we get into now, we've discovered a better way of being in the past six months that i never thought i would see with a boyfriend. i recognize the changes in myself (my parents have as well) - i'm quicker to apologize, more ready to admit my mistakes, more careful about his feelings, i don't cause drama for drama's sake, and i've quelled the neediness (for the most part). so even though sean sees a series of arguments and worries that we're not improving, i see that i'm happier now and in a more healthy, stable relationship than i've been a part of in my whole life. so that's what gives me hope.

so for those reasons, i understand why sean is hesitant to discuss anything future-related, only because the past year has been a rollercoaster for him and he's scared of committing before we've reached a more stable even place. but as i improve, and discover things about myself, and figure out how i want to be, i know that i can make this a more stable environment, both for him and for myself.

so i just have to relax and reset, and instead of focusing on the future, focus on how i can bring my best to us, now.

your support has meant the world to me. and your kind words have helped me understand that i want to make sure i love a man who loves me for me. at the end of the day, even though i know i have many faults, i like myself. i LOVE myself. and sean needs to be happy with me, just as i am, through the shitty periods and through the good. otherwise, it's simply not meant to be.

so for now, i'm going to focus on bringing my best to my relationship, and if the future falls into place, it will.

At The End

Never forget that you are loved, treasured. Never forget that your smile is contagious. Never forget that you have fantastic qualities - you are a good friend, quick to forgive, a careful listener, full of good advice. You have best interests at heart. You love deeply and passionately. You feel things more than most others, but that's never been a bad thing. You are as wonderful when you're fun and wild as you are when you are quiet and reflective. You want to improve the parts of you that aren't so great. You havea deep sense of fairness, of right and wrong. You're kind. Mostly, at the heart of it, you are a good, loving person.

You deserve every wonderful thing that happens to you. You deserve your friends, your life, the money that comes, the clients that are wooed, the men that care. You deserve health and richness in all aspects of your life.

You are a treasure. You are beloved. You bring light to the world, and joy to those around you.

Great Therapy

Dear god, I love you Dr. Goldman.

One thing that she brought up (which I think was really great, and I want to get it out here before I forget) is that Sean and I need to start helping each other through withdrawal / fears and insecurities instead of making them the other person's problem. Sean's always been like "you're being insecure" and I'm all "you're withdrawing" instead of actually trying to help each other through the problem. My fears and worries are real and concrete, no matter what their source, and Sean can help me not be afraid.

Instead of trying to fix our own issues, we can help each other WORK though the issues while we're actively working on them. We've never actively been like "How can I help you not withdraw" or "How can I help you not be scared". I think that it would really really REALLY help us.

Also, something that I realized in therapy is that Sean needs space after fights to process his emotions, and I need to allow him that instead of a) making him stay to hash it out or b) getting freaked out when he doesn't stay the night. So after a discussion, I need to let him go downstairs and watch TV or do laundry or take some space, but basically make the space okay so he doesn't have to go away for a whole night (even if he does, it's okay). But, at the same time, I need him to communicate with me and tell me things are okay... basically I can ask for his reassurance before I give him space. And I get to ask for it, and it gets to be okay.

I love him so much. I'm so hopeful for this year.

Sit With It

I love this expression.

All of its iterations: tease it out, live in it, breathe through it, allow it in, ponder it.

Sit with it. The idea for me, when it chimes in the back of my brain, is incredibly soothing. I feel my breath slow down.

There are many moments throughout the day when emotions rise up, suddenly, and they strike far more fiercely than they should. Read: sitting at my desk right now, thinking suddenly: "I'm lonely!"
And then: "Why does nobody love me?!"


Immediately, I thought, "Well Kate, why don't you sit with that."



So I am.

I'm lonely because I'm not getting tons of emails from the people who usually email me. But of course, both of them warned me it would be busy post Veterans-Day. And they're not not emailing me because they don't like me. They just have a lot going on.


And if I don't join anybody for lunch, I can do what I toyed with the idea with of doing already, which is parking my ass down at Starbucks and reading The Book Thief for an hour in one of their comfy chairs while sipping a yummy hot cider.

ALONE. Alone is A-OK. Alone is nibbling on caramel rice cakes. Alone is yummy sweats in my room, braiding my hair, taking off my makeup. Alone is turning on the heat, or just bundling up in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. Alone is sewing away in a patch of sunlight, or taking a nap, or reading a book in bed, a shitty book. Alone is singing along to the radio and not thinking I have to sound good. Alone is good music, smiling at strangers, and the profound sense of well-being and of place, when I am just one of the milling masses, but I am deliciously strangely intrisically me.