so.

at the crux of it.

things haven't been good... for a while. if we're honest with each other. but we haven't known how to step away and re-examine. we're too close for that. we've been too completely enmeshed.

so... it's time to reset.

take time.

take space.

focus on quality time together, and otherwise, live our own lives.

focus on this kate:

you are still together. you still love each other. this is an amazing opportunity.

Just. Done.

I'm taking back the upper hand.

Enough of this.

If Sean cannot give me what I need, I'm done. Finished. And it will be the worst mistake he ever makes. But I deserve happiness.

I have been trying and I have been doing a great job. But I have as much control in this relationship as he does, and I have not been taking control. I have the upper hand too. I have a say. I do not need to defer to him on all issues. And Jesus, I have been! WTF. When do I EVER defer. And that's not to say that I shouldn't compromise, because of course that's what it's all about. But I am a firm, independent, strong woman, extremely capable of distance, space, and asking for what I want. And I'm going to damn reclaim that.

Enough fixing me. I'm GOOD. I'm GREAT. I can still work on things yes, but not the detriment of my... well... me.

Biz Markie

"Little Lion Man" - Mumford and Sons

Lady GaGa

I feel like I might actually throw up.

I don't know what spurred it.

Check that. I do.

It's been:

The lack of sex.

The irritation when I kiss him.

The envy when I see other new couples who are so obviously into each other.

The general boredom that he exhibits whenever I'm around.

The general boredom.

The general boredom.

The unwillingness to do anything about it.

It also had something to do with accidentally stumbling on his old emails and remembering how insanely he loved me... and how often he showed it.

But then again, these things can't sustain. And what the honeymoon phase gives over to is comfort and ease and mutual affection.

But... there isn't even necessarily that.

The thing that we always come back to: he won't try.

Or, he commits to trying in a very vague and uncertain way. Not "I'll go to therapy". Not "Let's work on talking about this". It feels like we're constantly sticking our finger in the dam.

And my frustration is that it's been at the crux of all of our fights. Try. Just... try.

And he doesn't.

I deserve to be met halfway.

I deserve that. And if he can't give me that, then I don't know what to do.

But when I listen to the voice in my heart, I know how big and beautiful my life is with him in it. And it says Please please please. Try for her. Fight for her. Don't end it like this.

Yes: This

She listened to heart above all other voices.

She turns her can'ts into cans and her dreams into plans.

She saw every ending as a new beginning.

Sadness:

Reading over old emails from him to me should make me so unbelievably happy. I should revel in it. I should love the way he makes me feel. I should love the way he wrote about me, should adore the romantic gestures that he made, the time he put aside for me, all of it.

Wooing. The time he spent wooing me.

He made me feel so loved. How can anyone come back from that? How can I forget that?

How can I read the emails he sent me now, and then look at the emails he sent me then, and forget the way it was?

He wants to backpedal. But I, I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten the sweetness, the sadness, the wooing, the excitement and the joy.

He has fallen out of love with me. And it breaks my heart. Just a little bit.

He doesn't like kissing me. He pulls away.

And... it makes me so so so so so unbelievably sad. Reading these things. Remembering the way it was. And then remembering how it is now.

Not better. Necessarily. Different.

I try harder. And he tries... less.

He used to tell me all the time how sweet I was. How beautiful. How much he cared.

I think it's time to pull away a little bit.

To Download

More Lady Gaga

"New York"

The XX

"Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night"

George Winston "Plains"

Weekend In Review / This Is Wonderful

I have sleep apnea. Snoooore. How to fix it. How to get Sean to fix his.

So many emotions surrounding this weekend. Just a lot of thoughts, exhaustion, fears, worries. Need to find something to look forward to.

I liked this:

One. Do not leave until he has mentioned two ex-girlfriends in casual conversation. If you are sure you want to leave and he has not mentioned two ex-girlfriends in conversation, mention two ex-boyfriends and see what happens.

Two. Leave if he starts writing songs about other people. These will be songs of loss and their details will have nothing to do with you. Shame on you for dating a musician. At your age.

Three. Once you have decided to go, say nice things about him to his friends. Say things they will repeat to him later. Also, and this should be obvious: do not fuck his friends. There is that one who will try to take advantage; the one with all the cashmere sweaters whom you have half a crush on who has already phoned you to ask if everything is all right. Do not do anything that will incriminate you once you are not there to defend yourself.

Four. Buy things to leave in his house, things he won’t have the energy to throw out, like jars of the peanut butter you like. Do not leave things you might want later. Leave hair rubber bands and your toothbrush, but not your Sonicare toothbrush.

Five. Flirt with his mother. Flirt mercilessly until she adores you. Be sure she will chastise him once you go and that she will ask herself repeatedly, “Where did I go wrong?” If you do not smoke, take it up in order to share furtive cigarettes with her in the guest bathroom. Always carry very nice cigarettes, but not overly nice – Nat Sherman, for example, but not Cartier gold-tipped. If you have not already done it by the time you decide to leave, knit a scarf that matches her eyes. When she admires it, take it off your neck and give it to her. It will be easier for her to wear later if she doesn’t think you knitted it specifically for her, and throughout winter and next fall, the scarf itself and his whole family will remind him how gracious you were.

Six. Your handwriting should be ubiquitous: grocery lists left in his coat pockets, telephone messages used as bookmarks, notes on the refrigerator and in his bedside drawer, directions to friends’ houses left in the passenger side door of his car.

Seven. Cry politely. Do not cry like a horse.

Eight. If you must say mean things, say them in a delicate, lovely voice, the same voice you used to say “I love you,” the same voice you used when you made promises you really did intend to keep. Do not shout or make ugly faces.

Nine. The last time he sees you will be the morning. He will come home from work and be surprised to find you gone. Be sure to smell good that morning, even if you have to get up before he does and pat a scent behind your ears. Touch his face softly, even if you have been arguing. Say “goodbye” tenderly, with love, so that he thinks everything will be fine. If you are very good, you will be able to give him that look that assures him everything will be fine, that he will come home and you will be nice again, that all your anger will have turned back to love. This will increase the impact of your departure.

Ten. Write a note on very nice paper. Make it simple. Dear Henry, I have loved you completely. Be too hurt to sign your name.

Eleven. Call a taxi. Have too much pride to phone your brother or your best friend. Leave in tears, broken, and make sure his next door neighbor sees you. She is a stripper and she will comfort him. You will be safe knowing that he’s in the arms of the stripper and not his assistant. Do not go back to retrieve things you have forgotten, like your climbing shoes or laundry you left in the dryer. Once you are gone, be gone for good.

So this weekend, replanned!

Thursday:

Take in Sean's shirts

Take in shirt for Friday

Start cutting fabric for Meg's quilt

Saturday:

Clean floors in kitchen

Unpack car

Start laundry

Sunday:

Organize basement, sort stuff

Finish quilt backing

Start cutting Meg's quilt

Go to Garment District

... PRAN.

Thoughts - Crafty

I totally thought that it might be a great plan to do some DIY crafts and then put them away for a while, to have stored in case of birthday, etc. And then I started thinking about what kind of projects I'd do, and here's my list -

Homemade lavender sachets with beautiful fabric scraps

Wood-burned tray (less likely, because I'd need to buy a woodburner) - or else, just combine two ideas and make a lace doiley wood tray

Herb shelf - spray paint beautiful pots with different herbs, put in a wooden box

Ruffled tea towels

Cake stands (I love this idea - really need to jump on this)

Champagne glasses with "CHEERS" spray-painted on

Teacup candles

So here's what I would need in my craft arsenal for these projects:

Lavender

Mini terracotta pots with wood shelf

Simple white tea towels

Pretty plates / candle sticks

Epoxy

Stencils of "CHEERS"

Clear glass fixative

Teacups

Soy wax

Candle wick

All of these seem marginally easy!

Now all I need is to get my house ready for crafts!

MORE Craft Ideas?

A bird mobile! Lovely!

Adore the tissue paper ceiling cluster. And the frames!

http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/06/29/diy-pallet-reading-bed-for-the-nursery/

I love this idea for Christmas presents - homemade grocery totes - what an elegant present!

http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/11/21/diy-doily-canvas-bag/

I adore these sweater pillows too - I thought of so many great things to make with old sweaters yesterday on the T (neck warmer cowl, leg warmers, fingerless gloves - now I can add pillows to the list): http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/category/be-creative/

This is effin' adorable: http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2010/01/13/diy-paper-bird-painting/

This flower pin looks so easy! http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/11/11/diy-flapper-flower-clip/

Gorgeous ruffled tea towels - Mums would go batshit.

http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/11/12/diy-ruffle-tea-towel/

Goodness, beautiful - Meg would love it.

Further Craft Ideas

Lace doily table runner (like this one: http://ashleyannphotography.com/blog/2009/12/07/our-kitchen-remodel-apartment-therapy-the-kitchn/)

* Note - start my dress this weekend!

5 Things

5 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

trip to New York with Sean, summertime in general, my family's trip to Ireland in July, Sean's cousin's wedding in August (meet the fam! whoa!), getting married

5 Things I Did Yesterday:
sent out royalty statements, had lunch with Cupps, talked to Trev on gchat, had dinner with Kim and Rach and laughed our asses off, had somewhat painful sex with Sean

5 Things I Wish I Could do:
whistle, knit, quit my job and move to Hawaii, play the bagpipes, not be scared of my bosses

5 Places I’d Like to Travel To:
barcelona, santorini, the caribbean, puerto rico, california wine country

5 Cute things I've found online lately:

custom headboards, fun wall-hanging groupings, a nice laptop (!!!!),, sweet bed linens, great etsy finds in general

This Weekend, Thoughts

So, talking with my mother last weekend was immensely helpful, more so than I ever thought it would be - she gave me a lot of clarity and perspective, mostly making me realize that overthinking these things will be the doom of me.

Big points:

a) There's no magic formula regarding a percentage of time spent loving Sean and a percentage of time when he make-ah me cuhraaazeee. I can't say oh, he makes me happy 50% of the time, or, oh, he makes me happy 80% of the time. It's a gut feeling. And now, my happiness with Sean so completely outweighs the shitty times that all of the moments when I've thought "Oh, we should break up", they've been half-hearted.

b) Hating someone part of the time that you're in a relationship and not breaking up with them is NOT COMPROMISING YOUR HAPPINESS.

c) Compromising can be a very good thing. You kinda need it for relationships.

d) I have high expectations of people, which means I'm often disappointed.

e) I'm used to getting my way, which means I'm often disappointed.

f) When I'm let down and don't get my way and I'm disappointed, this is often when I grow the most.

Huh. Got it.

This weekend I would like to:

Sand some drawers

Clean the kitchen floor

Do laundry

Unpack my car and sort stuff

Start cutting my quilt

Take in Sean's shirts.

Focus

So, this weekend was a bit of a hedonistic one (drinking, food- threeee damn bagels anyone? seriously?). Now it's back to serious game-face. This week, I will

a) read at least 200 pages of CLOUD ATLAS

b) get my other book club read from the library

c) ask for a raise

d) start cutting out my quilt

e) go to the gym three times

f) take in Sean's shirts

NO DRINKING - HEALTHY FOOD.

Interesting

You're an ORGANIZER

Keywords

Self-Control, Practical, Self-Contained, Orderly, Systematic, Precise, and Accurate

These conservative appearing, plotting-types enjoy organizing, data systems, accounting, detail, and accuracy. They often enjoy mathematics and data management activities such as accounting and investment management. Persistence and patience allows them to do detailed paperwork, operate office machines, write business reports, and make charts and graphs.

ORGANIZER CAREERS
Suggested careers are Administrator, Secretary, Printer, Paralegal, Building Inspector, Bank Cashier, Private Secretary, Statistician, Operations Manager, Financial Analyst, Bookkeeper, Medical Records Technician, Developer of Business or Computer Systems, Clerical Worker, Proofreader, Accountant, Administrative Assistant, Banker, Certified Public Accountant, Credit Manager, Store Salesperson, Actuary, Dental Assistant, Business Education Teacher, Food Service Manager, IRS Agent, Budget Analyst, and Underwriter.

ORGANIZER WORKPLACES
Your very careful, conscientious, conservative nature gives others the confidence to trust you with handling money and material possessions. Structured organizations that have well-ordered chains of command work best for you.

Suggested Organizer workplaces are large corporations, business offices, financial lending institutions, banks, insurance companies, accounting firms, and quality control and inspection departments.

2nd Best Occupational Category

You're a DOER

Keywords:

Emotionally Stable, Reliable, High Energy, Practical, Thrifty, and Persistent

These adventurous types prefer action-oriented, concrete problems rather than dealing with thought-provoking, ambiguous, abstract dilemmas. Fields of interest include mechanical, construction, and outdoor careers. They might also enjoy working with machines, tools, and equipment to repair or build something.

• Section I: You and Your Team
  This personality overview section highlights your natural workplace talents—the tasks you pursue with passion. You'll learn how your natural strengths complement those of your coworkers and how, joining forces, you can resolve on-the-job dilemmas.
• Section II: Your Key To Success
  Here you discover your capacity for dispelling disruption and maximizing profitability. Use this proven, beyond-self-perception advice to create a more positive career path free of detours.
• Section III: Managing Strengths and Weaknesses
  Your evaluation's highest and lowest scores result in this section's recommendations for staying on-track in your career and reversing wrong turns. In focusing on your talents and missteps, you'll re-stoke your energy and enthusiasm for managing costly mistakes.
• Section IV: Leadership Power Moves
  This final section identifies your "street sense," those power moves that turn obstacles into insignificant details. Here suggestions based on your color-ranked evaluations will guide you towards making the most of an interview or harnessing your fast-paced workday.
  
  

The Full Report: Includes...

• An in depth, stay-on-track guide to your career options.
• How to maximize on-the-job and interview strengths.
• Street sense, obstacle-solving, leadership power moves.

Um WOW

Fuck you Callaghan. How on EARTH did you think this would be a good plan for Valentine's Day?

I don't need you to go all out, and I know that maybe I'm calling things before they happen, and I should probably relax and see what you come up with, but, after last year, the ball is so unbelievably dropped that I want to hit you.

I should really be with someone who wants to try.

Valentines Day

I am REALLY working on trusting Sean, and letting him take the reins (for once).

But I'm worried about Valentine's Day. That's it. Plain and simple.

Not Drinking - An Update

So, in the past week and a half, since I started "not drinking", I have had - 1 beer, 2 sips of wine, 2 sips of Dark n' Stormy.

I think that I've realized that this whole "not drinking" thing is a little intense, and maybe I have all these conflicting feelings about it because I don't feel like it's necessary? Like, as in, I'm not an alcoholic, so why should I stop?

Granted, one of the beers was at Jennifer Coolidge, because I felt more awkward not drinking.

But the sips were relaxing at Sean's house, and while I'm somewhat concerned that I "needed" a drink, or at least to just taste one or two sips of said beer, I'm also happy that it was just that - a sip or two. I'm not perfect, and I don't feel like it's necessary to hold myself to this weird standard of not drinking. So, I'd like to not drink this weekend. We'll see how it goes.

HOWEVER: these two weeks of not drinking have resulted in.... 120 pounds. Almost my damn high school weight. Little to no belly pudge. And a MUCH better feeling, in general.

Sometimes Sean's drinking worries me. The whole needs-to-have-booze every single night? It's weird.

I worry sometimes that Sean thinks "being set in his ways" means "not willing to try". That could be problematic.

Weekend

This weekend is going to be awesome. I'm so, so, so, so excited.

Weekend

I am excited for:

Quilting and crafting with Mum n' Co.

Seeing Sweeno / Jane / Ben Martin.

Curling up in pajamas in bed.

Having Mummy take care of me.

Valentines Day, low-key style.

Being in Maine with Sean.

Finishing meh projects so I can move on to ones I'm more excited about.

I love myself. I love myself. I love myself. I have a lot to offer.

Copying Email

I'm copying the email that I've forwarded to... well... several parties at this point, because I think that it sums up how I need to be and the changes I need to make in very accurate statements:

sean and i talked last night, which was necessary - i've really felt that i haven't had a chance to express all of my feelings from the weekend, just because they've been so muddled and complicated (anger, sadness, absolute despair).

but last night i think that i finally got to express them and discuss it with him, and address a lot of larger issues (i.e. i'm scared that he doesn't love me for me when he corrects me all the time, why did he make all these promises when we first started dating and then reneg on them, what are his worries, etc. etc.)

and sean straight-up said that he understands that he put me in a shit position and he's sorry. he understands that he was unfair to me, and i don't deserve that. also, he wants me to know that he loves me for me... he always has. he gets upset when i do shitty things... i.e. he loves me but doesn't always love what i do.

and i told him that i know that this past year has been a roller-coaster, mostly because in my previous relationship, i got away with a TON of bad behavior (as you ladies know, with trevor), and this past year for me, has basically been me trying to un-learn all of these shitty bad habits that i'm used to (i.e. manipulation, getting my way, causing drama for drama's sake, being needy)... and i know that the year has been hard on him because i've basically been doing this while i'm dating sean. perhaps, in an alternate universe, sean would be the relationship where i learned how to be in a healthy relationship, and then we'd break up and i'd do better with the next guy. but the point is, as sean has said to me, and i've said to him - i don't want to figure out how to be in a relationship correctly to just move on to the next guy. i want to do it for sean. with sean. so i can understand why this is difficult for sean because i'd imagine its like watching a ton of demons get exorcised from his girlfriend-who-he-thought-was-kinda-normal, all within the span of a year.

but i explained to sean that the reason i'm hopeful is that i see that, despite the arguments we get into now, we've discovered a better way of being in the past six months that i never thought i would see with a boyfriend. i recognize the changes in myself (my parents have as well) - i'm quicker to apologize, more ready to admit my mistakes, more careful about his feelings, i don't cause drama for drama's sake, and i've quelled the neediness (for the most part). so even though sean sees a series of arguments and worries that we're not improving, i see that i'm happier now and in a more healthy, stable relationship than i've been a part of in my whole life. so that's what gives me hope.

so for those reasons, i understand why sean is hesitant to discuss anything future-related, only because the past year has been a rollercoaster for him and he's scared of committing before we've reached a more stable even place. but as i improve, and discover things about myself, and figure out how i want to be, i know that i can make this a more stable environment, both for him and for myself.

so i just have to relax and reset, and instead of focusing on the future, focus on how i can bring my best to us, now.

your support has meant the world to me. and your kind words have helped me understand that i want to make sure i love a man who loves me for me. at the end of the day, even though i know i have many faults, i like myself. i LOVE myself. and sean needs to be happy with me, just as i am, through the shitty periods and through the good. otherwise, it's simply not meant to be.

so for now, i'm going to focus on bringing my best to my relationship, and if the future falls into place, it will.

Better

The advice is simple: Do what makes you happy. Don't settle for less than you're worth. Don't take crap from anyone.

Sound Advice

I think the key to a good relationship is understanding that a spouse/life partner is just another relative. And just like any other relative, some days you are going to love the devil out of them, and some days you are going to swear they are the devil.

You can't go into a relationship with the expectation of endless passion and perfection. You have to go into a relationship with the expectation of living life around each other--it's like a dance.

For me, I tossed out everything I had on my "perfect man" list and reduced it to this: Someone I can be 100% of myself with, without feeling ashamed or worrying about looking stupid. When I found that (in my 30s), I married him. Believe me, being able to be myself without embarrassment is worth more than firework-kisses to me any day of the week.

Sometimes, it is lousy. Sometimes, it is glorious. Most of the time, it's just simply comfortable. Comfortable is nice. Very, very nice.

*Very good advice. Do I feel like I can be myself around Sean? No, not 100%.

What Am I Angry About?

I'm angry because I want Sean to follow my time-line. I want him to be on the same page with me, WHEN I AM. I'm angry because I think he should know by now. I'm angry because the things that he said to me felt like promises, and he's reneg-ing on them. I'm angry because he doesn't know, because he said I do immature things, like he expects me to act old all the time, and I'm angry because he openly admits he's set in his ways, but he won't ever try to change that.

I'm angry because HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER GIVE ME A REASON TO LEAVE. AND HE HAS.

So, So Lonely

The feelings of sadness, misery, loneliness, and despair are just... beyond palpable right now. They're taking over.

He said he'd never give me a reason to leave. And he has.

Well.

This weekend sucked.

It was sad and depressing and harrowing and difficult and it made me incredibly unhappy and unsettled.

Basically everything that I've thought about Sean and I, and the way we were going, was just... dead wrong.

Not that I'm not special to him. Not that he doesn't love me. Not that this isn't an important relationship. Not that he doesn't see this going somewhere.

It's that he doesn't know.

It's that, by now, he doesn't know.

Also, that I do things that are immature. Well, fuck you, you stubborn old bastard, because I'm goddam 23.

But I don't want to break up with him. I don't want to leave him. I just want him to know.

I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I'm so so so angry. I don't know how to react, and I don't know how to deal with the upcoming weeks. I'm just so full of weight, and sadness.

I've decided to take Ian's advice, which is, to say, that I have to find my own fulfillment, and if Sean's along for the ride, so be it. If not, I will be fine. This will be a long relationship that fell apart and is sad, but I will be okay.

If it falls apart, it's because it was meant to. It's because I wasn't enough for Sean, or he wasn't enough for me. And at the end of the day, instead of forcing something that's not meant to be, I have to let it evolve as it will.

But I'm incredibly, incredibly sad right now.

This Weekend, I Would Like To:

Go to the gym and use weights.

Cook something delicious with that chicken.

Spray-paint my bedside lamps.

Go to the Goodwill store in Davis.

Clean clean clean.

Change the sheets on my bed.

Go to TJMaxx and see if I can't get some fleece sheets.

Nerve-Racking

I know that this is all in my head, and I just need to relax. But dear god, I am SO nervous about Saturday night. Like, beyond nervous. Terrified, in fact. This is it. Esmond is actually, actually going to be taking me, and Chris Castellani, and everyone else in the entire world, to the Jennifer Coolidge show. I am SO above and beyond nervous. I'm actually just flipping my shit.

No More Booze!

So I've challenged myself to not drink for the next 31 days. Or, by now, 26 days. That's a tall order, from someone who loves nothing more than a stemless wine glass filled with Sauvignon. But I've realized that I'm not so good about moderation, if I exercise any at all, and this realization has fueled the understanding that I just gotta quit cold turkey.

Surprisingly though (and perhaps this is only cause it's Day 3), I've found it easier than I thought. Removing the option altogether, instead of dithering and saying "Oh I'll try to cut back maybe I guess" has really just made things cut and dry for me. And bringing lots of people onboard, people who I would generally be drinking with (like Sean or Mum, or the galpals) has been very helpful because I've asked them all to support me and not encourage me to slip up.

It's going to be an experiment. I want to see how it affects my body. I want to see how I respond to it - I'm intrigued, really. No more hangovers? No more UTI's? Will my skin clear up? Will my belly pudge disappear?

But more importantly, I've never really quit anything before, and I want to know that I can. So here we go. Countdown - 26 days.

Strange Dream

About Andrew Sweeney - also, very violent dream. Max Scherr was there. Andrew held on to me gently in the corner of a field. We were at school. Everybody was staring. Because it's him (and me, presumably). I could feel his arms holding me against him. And his hands worked their way into my pockets and held mine, to keep them warm.

I remember feeling incredibly incredibly safe, and also a little bit in awe that this was happening.

And then, of course, the dream devolved into FBI agents storming the field, because Max Scherr had kicked a missile down into the field, and crazy drug lords and serial killers and Al-Queada and the like hid down there. And FBI wanted to bomb the field.

And then I was down there and I was in a bedroom that turned out to be a hotel that turned out to be a hospital and I was trying to sneak down the corridors without letting anyone hear me. And then I got to the busy part of the hospital... whew! And then I saw Jessica from True Blood and she'd been raped by the Al-Qaueda and she was so crazy and violent with a black eye and then I watched her stab her brother and his wife with hypodermic needles and then everyone was being strangled by invisible string.

CRAAAAAAZY.

But I remember really liking Andrew Sweeney's arms around me.