The Way It Goes

I guess this is the way it goes.

Two steps forward.

One step back.

Little bits of progress.

Tiny, tiny motions forward.

And the hope.

The shred of hope that was once barely even discernible, or maybe at one point, not even there at all.

And then it becomes a shred. And then a little tiny light. And eventually, as the sun continues to shine and I continue to sleep through the night and I journal and write and eat and breathe and cry and turn on lights and turn off lights and make my bed and shower and run and scream and laugh and smile, it will become a beacon.

I will be... alright.

No.

I will be more than alright.

This is my chance to find myself.

To really, truly, honestly, find myself.

To fall in love with myself.

To find confidence, and happiness, and inner peace.

And only when I truly love me, when I have the confidence that is just for me and not for anyone else, will I consider the possibility of looking for love again.

I have always been afraid of being alone. I have always been afraid of losing Sean. It terrified me, because I didn't know how to be without him. So I held on by my fingernails, even when it killed me so much and hurt me so deeply.

And then the unimaginable happened. And I lost him.

And I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive. And I believe, maybe sometimes more often than other times, that I will be okay.

I love myself. And I have to find myself again. I have to find the things that I lost. The happiness. The joy. The exuberance, and lust for life. The adventurousness and love for activity. The pleasure found in doing things, in going places, in experiencing life. I have to find the ridiculous sense of humor, teh empathy, the caring, the kindness, the openess, the emotional maturity, the strength.

I am beautiful. That is true. But I am so much more than that. I have wisdom well beyond my years. I am fantastically funny, intuitive, and smart. I know a LOT. About a LOT of things. I'm interesting. I'm beyond talented. I make things happen in ways that are absolutely astounding. I am never vanquished, and time and time again, I have picked myself up... MYSELF. Only I could pick myself up, and I have, and I'll do it again. The only person I need at night is me. The only person I need to cuddle in the morning is me. I have it all. I have it in spades. I am a wonderful wonderful human being. Yes, I have many weaknesses. But they are things that I accept and try to improve, always, which is such a damn amazing thing. Moreso, I have reached a level of kindness, empathy, and forgiveness in my young 23 years that is beyond incredible. I am strong, and brilliant.

And I deserve the world. There is nothing that I don't deserve. I deserve someone who will love every inch of me, who will adore me for me and never ask me to be anything but the fantastic, wonderful woman that I am. I want that, and I don't want to settle for less.

But first, I have to love myself. Which means that the voices inside me crowding my head and thoughts, the ones that tell me I'm somehow "less", the ones that cut me down and make me think that I don't deserve the things I do, that my plans aren't "worthy", that my wants are "ridiculous"... these are the voices that I have to work on silencing. Because they're hurtful, and they're poison, and they're untrue. I want what I want. And I get to ask for what I want. And I have faith that I'll find it.