All The Things That I Want To Say

I miss you. Every minute of the day. I miss the mornings, which were for us. I miss the evenings, when we'd snuggle. I miss your face, your breath, your smell, your kisses, your hands, the way you held me, dear fucking god I feel as if my chest is going to crack open, this hurts so much.

I miss you constantly. Everything I do reminds me of you. The things that I loved, that you love too. I can't keep emailing you. I can't call. I can't drive over and see you.

I have to be stronger than this, so I"m writing it here.

But I'm angry too. I'm angry because you asked me to get on board, and then you reneged. You asked me to commit, and I did, and then you couldn't. I loved you, and I tried to be better for you, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't forgive, because I loved you that damn much. I forgave your drinking, your smoking, your distance, your moodiness, your forgetfulness, when you didn't write me a love letter, when I wasn't sure what you wanted, when you wouldn't burn me a mix CD, when we wouldn't go on dates, when you wouldn't meet me for lunch, when you wanted space. I forgave when you cheated on me.

I will own my part in this, which is that I held on to a lot of bad behavior... for a long time. But every minute, I was trying. I was trying to be better for you.

And I also imposed my plans on you. I imposed my dreams on you. Because at first you were on board, and then you weren't. And that hurt a lot. You can't call me Wife-To-Be, and then not.

I can't fix you. You have to fix yourself. I can't fix this. I tried. It's supposed to be easier than this. It's supposed to not hurt this much. It's not supposed to take this much talking, and fixing, and changing. But I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop the talks. Because nothing changed. We went over and over and over again, how much we wanted things to change. But they didn't. You never did anything concrete to make it better. You just strung me along. You didn't stand up to me. You just kept me hoping, kept me hoping, instead of standing up and saying "this isn't working".

I'm angry at you, and I miss you.

And I have to believe that I'll find someone again.

But first, I have to find myself.

All of the pieces that I lost when I was with you.

All of the compromises that I made, that I thought I would never make.

All the dreams that I had that weren't fulfilled.

All of the things that I wanted that you wouldn't give.

I still want them. I still deserve them.

I am not ordinary. I am extraordinary. And I hope in the next few months, I realize this. I hope I have moments when I can appreciate that I'm beautiful, and smart, and brilliant, and funny. And that I'm desirable, and wonderful, and emotionally mature, and that I have depth and wisdom. And the right person will appreciate every inch of these qualities, will appreciate me, and will know that even though relationships can be hard, one with me is WORTH IT. It's worth it... because I would have given you everything.

I.... did... give you everything. I'm worth trying. I'm worth going halfway for. And though I can't conceive of ever loving someone ever again, I know that it will happen. I know that there will be a day when I don't cry at all. I know that it will be two steps forward, and then one back. I know that there will be nights I don't sleep, and nights when I miss you so much that I feel as if I'm going to break open and explode with the pain.

It's a death. It's a death, Sean.

Even typing your name hurts.

You were there. And then you weren't.

You were the love of my life. Until you weren't.

You were my pick. My match. My choice. Until you weren't.

You were here. In my life. With me. Next to me. My partner.

And now you're not.

And I just have to breathe through this. Get through it, hour by hour. Forgive myself for the hurt and the pain, for my actions, for the sadness, for reaching out over and over again to the same people, asking them to tell me the same thing. They will be here for me. They will always be here for me. Even when you're not.

I can be brave. I can take it, each hour. I will cry and ache, ache, ache, ache, ache for the loss of you.

But I will get through it.

Little by little.

Piece by piece.

I will remember everything that I loved about myself. I will remember all of the things that there are to love. I will not feel guilty for admiring myself constantly, for feeling beautiful and grand and special. I need to love myself. I need to hug myself at night. I will NOT EVER FEEL AGAIN like I don't deserve everything. Not someone who will necessarily treat me like a princess. Not someone who will put me on a pedestal. Not just anyone.

But someone who knows I'm worth it. For better or for worse. For all of my wonderful qualities, and all of my not-so-great qualities. Someone who feels as lucky as I do. Someone who makes me feel lucky.

I deserve that.

I will find it.

I will miss you. Every day.

But I deserve this.

And I will find love.

And I will love myself.

And I will never again make the mistake of falling in love and losing myself.