At The End

Never forget that you are loved, treasured. Never forget that your smile is contagious. Never forget that you have fantastic qualities - you are a good friend, quick to forgive, a careful listener, full of good advice. You have best interests at heart. You love deeply and passionately. You feel things more than most others, but that's never been a bad thing. You are as wonderful when you're fun and wild as you are when you are quiet and reflective. You want to improve the parts of you that aren't so great. You havea deep sense of fairness, of right and wrong. You're kind. Mostly, at the heart of it, you are a good, loving person.

You deserve every wonderful thing that happens to you. You deserve your friends, your life, the money that comes, the clients that are wooed, the men that care. You deserve health and richness in all aspects of your life.

You are a treasure. You are beloved. You bring light to the world, and joy to those around you.

More Goals for 2010

Volunteer.
Make the fashion bulletin board on the back of my closet that I've been all antsy about.
Start a quilt for Sean.
Make a g-damn headboard! Did I say that already?

Use my dress form for something other than a jewelry holder.

Home Improvement Goals - 2010

Just because I love reading blogernators about home decor and the like, I've decided that I'm going to add some decorating/ crafting goals for 2010. Hopefully by the end of 2010, I might have my own apartment with a certain somebunny (not. jinxing. not jinxing. not jinxing), but either way, I've got goaaals for 2010.

a) FINALLY stain and finish my bureau - get handles for it as well
b) Buy new lampshades, etc. for my lamps
c) Refinish and paint my chairs so I have a full set of kitchen chairs in one color
d) Have a garden - grow lots of yummy herbs and veggies
e) Paint the crappy lil' bookshelf in my bedroom
f) Paint my shelf mirror (also in bedroom)
g) Finish a quilt for myself
h) Restain Sean's man-chair
i) Knit leg-warmers.

Great Therapy

Dear god, I love you Dr. Goldman.

One thing that she brought up (which I think was really great, and I want to get it out here before I forget) is that Sean and I need to start helping each other through withdrawal / fears and insecurities instead of making them the other person's problem. Sean's always been like "you're being insecure" and I'm all "you're withdrawing" instead of actually trying to help each other through the problem. My fears and worries are real and concrete, no matter what their source, and Sean can help me not be afraid.

Instead of trying to fix our own issues, we can help each other WORK though the issues while we're actively working on them. We've never actively been like "How can I help you not withdraw" or "How can I help you not be scared". I think that it would really really REALLY help us.

Also, something that I realized in therapy is that Sean needs space after fights to process his emotions, and I need to allow him that instead of a) making him stay to hash it out or b) getting freaked out when he doesn't stay the night. So after a discussion, I need to let him go downstairs and watch TV or do laundry or take some space, but basically make the space okay so he doesn't have to go away for a whole night (even if he does, it's okay). But, at the same time, I need him to communicate with me and tell me things are okay... basically I can ask for his reassurance before I give him space. And I get to ask for it, and it gets to be okay.

I love him so much. I'm so hopeful for this year.

New Years Resolution

It's been a while since I posted, and it's still a little while to go until New Years, but I'm going to post it now.

I have one. major. resolution for the new year.

A little less expectation
A little more trust.

This is my goal for 2010. With Sean.

The only way I will make it work is if I get out of my head and stop trusting him. If I start relinquishing my controlling stranglehold. If I stop making plans and start letting him make them.


I can do it.

Can't Believe...

It's been a year. I think about myself at this point last year, and dear god, how much I've changed. I detailed most of it in my love letter to Sean, but I'm also amazed... and proud. I've done good. I've done well.

I look at Sean, and it's the first time in my life that I've looked at someone and thought Yes. You. Please. Always.

What a feeling.

Ugh WHY

WHY when things keep going well, do I have to just straight-up fuck it up?!!? WHY can I be so insensitive and reckless with his feelings?! How did I think he was going to respond?

I can be such a pigheaded piece of shit crapbrain MEAN PERSON. Does Sean not spoil me rotten? Do I not appreciate it enough? WHY on earth do I think that these things I throw out there don't affect him... it's such bullshit and it's so damn rude and wrong of me.

We had such a lovely weekend and for the most part, week, and I have to go and cock it up....

A Wonderful, Wonderful Quote

"I choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." - Anais Nin

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Kate.
Listen. Up.


Don't. Screw. It. Up.

For christs sake. Have you learned nothing? Keep your personal life OUT of the office, and don't start goddam making plans when you can't even get through the week without getting pissy like crazy.

Sean loves you. He loves you. He straight-up, crazy-time, out-of-control ADORES you. He puts up with so much because he enjoys your presence. He loves making you laugh. He loves your jokes and your conversation and your quirky hobbies and your intelligence. He loves your kindness. He. Loves. You.

And yes, eventually one day, he wants you to be the one.


So focus on being with him. Laugh with him. Love him the best you can. And get the fuck out of your head. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. In the meantime, hold him close every single night and laugh your head off.

Ugh

But days like today, when we meet for lunch, and his hair is adorably ruffled and his coat skims his frame and his eyes crinkle up and he holds me and kisses me gently, I find it insanely hard not to smother him. I don't want to wait, I don't wait to wait another minute. I want him to propose, I want to quit my job and go home and fall into bed with him and just not move, ever. Not for food, not to go to the bathroom. I want to be wrapped up in his presence for my lifetime and never let him out of my sight.

This is when I smother. This, this is when I go back to work and look at wedding dresses and daydream about his proposal and wait, wait for the day when he decides to make me his.

I love him beyond words and reason. It's insanity.

So I'm going to throw myself into work this minute so I don't become a fucking headcase.

Ruminating

All in all, a highly productive weekend. Excellent good times, beautiful moments with friends and lover, good food, good wine, quilting.

I realized last night, while talking to Sean, that (like I said to him this morning), I've never really given his relationship with Michelle or the way it ended up the gravity that it has deserved.

The last relationship where he moved in with a girl, she left him and he moved 8 hours away from everything he knew. The last time he attempted marriage, it ended in a fiery explosion of shit.

I. Get it. I get it now. I get why my pushing and prodding does no good. Until he has a sense that we have some normalcy or stability in our relationship, he's not going to be actively thinking about it. And on the other side, while I'm constantly thinking about it and reveling in it, I'm missing out on us, now.

My time spent with him is wonderful and precious. It's funny and fantastic, and there will be a point in time when I'll miss it. This isn't the step in-between. It's a step, all in its own, and I must, must, must enjoy it. It is only when we are both solidly living in the now that we can build stability and establish ourselves. And that's what I want.

The Week

Surprisingly, it's been a good week.
I hesitate to say it's because Sean has been sick, because ugh, what does that mean, right? But like Yola said last night, we fit together well. Very, very well.

I love him insanely. And we make it work.

Good