At The End

Never forget that you are loved, treasured. Never forget that your smile is contagious. Never forget that you have fantastic qualities - you are a good friend, quick to forgive, a careful listener, full of good advice. You have best interests at heart. You love deeply and passionately. You feel things more than most others, but that's never been a bad thing. You are as wonderful when you're fun and wild as you are when you are quiet and reflective. You want to improve the parts of you that aren't so great. You havea deep sense of fairness, of right and wrong. You're kind. Mostly, at the heart of it, you are a good, loving person.

You deserve every wonderful thing that happens to you. You deserve your friends, your life, the money that comes, the clients that are wooed, the men that care. You deserve health and richness in all aspects of your life.

You are a treasure. You are beloved. You bring light to the world, and joy to those around you.

More Goals for 2010

Volunteer.
Make the fashion bulletin board on the back of my closet that I've been all antsy about.
Start a quilt for Sean.
Make a g-damn headboard! Did I say that already?

Use my dress form for something other than a jewelry holder.

Home Improvement Goals - 2010

Just because I love reading blogernators about home decor and the like, I've decided that I'm going to add some decorating/ crafting goals for 2010. Hopefully by the end of 2010, I might have my own apartment with a certain somebunny (not. jinxing. not jinxing. not jinxing), but either way, I've got goaaals for 2010.

a) FINALLY stain and finish my bureau - get handles for it as well
b) Buy new lampshades, etc. for my lamps
c) Refinish and paint my chairs so I have a full set of kitchen chairs in one color
d) Have a garden - grow lots of yummy herbs and veggies
e) Paint the crappy lil' bookshelf in my bedroom
f) Paint my shelf mirror (also in bedroom)
g) Finish a quilt for myself
h) Restain Sean's man-chair
i) Knit leg-warmers.

Great Therapy

Dear god, I love you Dr. Goldman.

One thing that she brought up (which I think was really great, and I want to get it out here before I forget) is that Sean and I need to start helping each other through withdrawal / fears and insecurities instead of making them the other person's problem. Sean's always been like "you're being insecure" and I'm all "you're withdrawing" instead of actually trying to help each other through the problem. My fears and worries are real and concrete, no matter what their source, and Sean can help me not be afraid.

Instead of trying to fix our own issues, we can help each other WORK though the issues while we're actively working on them. We've never actively been like "How can I help you not withdraw" or "How can I help you not be scared". I think that it would really really REALLY help us.

Also, something that I realized in therapy is that Sean needs space after fights to process his emotions, and I need to allow him that instead of a) making him stay to hash it out or b) getting freaked out when he doesn't stay the night. So after a discussion, I need to let him go downstairs and watch TV or do laundry or take some space, but basically make the space okay so he doesn't have to go away for a whole night (even if he does, it's okay). But, at the same time, I need him to communicate with me and tell me things are okay... basically I can ask for his reassurance before I give him space. And I get to ask for it, and it gets to be okay.

I love him so much. I'm so hopeful for this year.

New Years Resolution

It's been a while since I posted, and it's still a little while to go until New Years, but I'm going to post it now.

I have one. major. resolution for the new year.

A little less expectation
A little more trust.

This is my goal for 2010. With Sean.

The only way I will make it work is if I get out of my head and stop trusting him. If I start relinquishing my controlling stranglehold. If I stop making plans and start letting him make them.


I can do it.

Can't Believe...

It's been a year. I think about myself at this point last year, and dear god, how much I've changed. I detailed most of it in my love letter to Sean, but I'm also amazed... and proud. I've done good. I've done well.

I look at Sean, and it's the first time in my life that I've looked at someone and thought Yes. You. Please. Always.

What a feeling.

Ugh WHY

WHY when things keep going well, do I have to just straight-up fuck it up?!!? WHY can I be so insensitive and reckless with his feelings?! How did I think he was going to respond?

I can be such a pigheaded piece of shit crapbrain MEAN PERSON. Does Sean not spoil me rotten? Do I not appreciate it enough? WHY on earth do I think that these things I throw out there don't affect him... it's such bullshit and it's so damn rude and wrong of me.

We had such a lovely weekend and for the most part, week, and I have to go and cock it up....

A Wonderful, Wonderful Quote

"I choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." - Anais Nin

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Kate.
Listen. Up.


Don't. Screw. It. Up.

For christs sake. Have you learned nothing? Keep your personal life OUT of the office, and don't start goddam making plans when you can't even get through the week without getting pissy like crazy.

Sean loves you. He loves you. He straight-up, crazy-time, out-of-control ADORES you. He puts up with so much because he enjoys your presence. He loves making you laugh. He loves your jokes and your conversation and your quirky hobbies and your intelligence. He loves your kindness. He. Loves. You.

And yes, eventually one day, he wants you to be the one.


So focus on being with him. Laugh with him. Love him the best you can. And get the fuck out of your head. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. In the meantime, hold him close every single night and laugh your head off.

Ugh

But days like today, when we meet for lunch, and his hair is adorably ruffled and his coat skims his frame and his eyes crinkle up and he holds me and kisses me gently, I find it insanely hard not to smother him. I don't want to wait, I don't wait to wait another minute. I want him to propose, I want to quit my job and go home and fall into bed with him and just not move, ever. Not for food, not to go to the bathroom. I want to be wrapped up in his presence for my lifetime and never let him out of my sight.

This is when I smother. This, this is when I go back to work and look at wedding dresses and daydream about his proposal and wait, wait for the day when he decides to make me his.

I love him beyond words and reason. It's insanity.

So I'm going to throw myself into work this minute so I don't become a fucking headcase.

Ruminating

All in all, a highly productive weekend. Excellent good times, beautiful moments with friends and lover, good food, good wine, quilting.

I realized last night, while talking to Sean, that (like I said to him this morning), I've never really given his relationship with Michelle or the way it ended up the gravity that it has deserved.

The last relationship where he moved in with a girl, she left him and he moved 8 hours away from everything he knew. The last time he attempted marriage, it ended in a fiery explosion of shit.

I. Get it. I get it now. I get why my pushing and prodding does no good. Until he has a sense that we have some normalcy or stability in our relationship, he's not going to be actively thinking about it. And on the other side, while I'm constantly thinking about it and reveling in it, I'm missing out on us, now.

My time spent with him is wonderful and precious. It's funny and fantastic, and there will be a point in time when I'll miss it. This isn't the step in-between. It's a step, all in its own, and I must, must, must enjoy it. It is only when we are both solidly living in the now that we can build stability and establish ourselves. And that's what I want.

The Week

Surprisingly, it's been a good week.
I hesitate to say it's because Sean has been sick, because ugh, what does that mean, right? But like Yola said last night, we fit together well. Very, very well.

I love him insanely. And we make it work.

Good

Good Good Good

What a magnificent Thanksgiving.


Certainly, with its bumps, and hang-ups, and tiffs. But nonetheless, wonderful.

I'm feeling rested, refreshed, and completely happy. Decorating for Christmas last night put me in a very happy mood, and it felt great to be getting into the Christmas spirit.

NOW:
I'm facing my post-Thanksgiving bloat, and my tummy is out. of. control.
So for this week (WEEK), my goals are to:
a) not drink at all until Friday
b) get my room in functional and working order
c) get to the gym twice
d) eat healthily
e) pick a new book

For the weekend:
a) go to the gym once
b) have max two drinks on either night
c) finish Meg's pillows
d) start painting
e) finish decorating for Christmas

The Weekend

Ups and downs, as always. But strangely, I feel that we got to a point where we were squarely sitting on solid ground. I truly feel that because many of our fights over the past few things have been about very similar things, that we might get to a point of being okay again.

What he wants from me is respect. And I get that... I do. And I know that in the past few weeks, I haven't been giving him the respect he deserves. From hanging out with guys solo to being shady about late nights to showing up wasted to not paying attention to him when we're together, he's right. I have not... been... respecting him.

And what I need from him? I suppose this was the sadder of the two. Revealing to him that no wonder I feel like he's going to leave me, because I don't even get the sense that he likes me? That was a tough one to hash out. Saying to Sean "You act like you don't even enjoy spending time with me"? Well, I think he heard it, realllllly loud and clear.

I love him completely. Totally. 100%. And I think we both got it, and know what we need to work on. I'm excited for the next chapter.

More

I forgive Sarah Palin. I do. I know she's stupid and trolls out rumors, but I forgive her for trying. She bit off more than she could chew... I don't think she quite knows what she does.

I forgive Lane for being a total spaz. It's the way she is, and I'm lucky to have a job.

I forgive Janice Wagner, even though she frustrates me, because she's trying to help.

I forgive myself. For last night.

The Theme Is

Forgiveness.

That's where we're going here.

Forgiveness for the people who frustrate me.

And I don't care if I come across as a sanctimonious hag. I forgive. I'm going to forgive.

I forgive Meaghan. For being horrendous. Because she's angry and she has not way of venting it. And if I can be an easy target for her to feel better, than I will be.

I forgive Kelly for acting the way she does. She doesn't know any better, and she can't help it. And I don't envy her. She has it rough... it must be lonely.

I forgive Trevor for being as pigheaded as he can be. He also doesn't know any better.

I forgive Rachel. Ugh. That's a tough one. But I forgive her. She's obviously not right in the head and can't deal with... something. Not my problem. I forgive her for thinking that this is normal.



That's it for now.

This Week, I Would Respectfully Request:

1. Sex, please. And an orgasm.
2. To get some unequivocable reading time.
3. No massive breakouts of zits, please.
4. At least one Gym Nate sighting.
5. Not to get yelled at by Esmond.
6. Conference room clean of Lane's stuff.
7. To not be insane, and to actually finish all the stuff on my to-do list.

And, 8. Though I know you're impossible, I'm going to put the wishes out into the world anyway.

A week completely free of Carrie Prejean, Michael Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, Dina Lohan, the Gosselins, Sarah Palin. Kthanx.

9, you are also impossible.

Rachel to fall into a crevasse.

Ugh, Not Great

When I start fantasizing about Ben during, instead of girl on girl, or Sean, or something else, that presents a problem.

Ugh. How to stop this.


How to get out of this rut, especilly when being with Sean makes me so sublimely happy.

Sit With It

I love this expression.

All of its iterations: tease it out, live in it, breathe through it, allow it in, ponder it.

Sit with it. The idea for me, when it chimes in the back of my brain, is incredibly soothing. I feel my breath slow down.

There are many moments throughout the day when emotions rise up, suddenly, and they strike far more fiercely than they should. Read: sitting at my desk right now, thinking suddenly: "I'm lonely!"
And then: "Why does nobody love me?!"


Immediately, I thought, "Well Kate, why don't you sit with that."



So I am.

I'm lonely because I'm not getting tons of emails from the people who usually email me. But of course, both of them warned me it would be busy post Veterans-Day. And they're not not emailing me because they don't like me. They just have a lot going on.


And if I don't join anybody for lunch, I can do what I toyed with the idea with of doing already, which is parking my ass down at Starbucks and reading The Book Thief for an hour in one of their comfy chairs while sipping a yummy hot cider.

ALONE. Alone is A-OK. Alone is nibbling on caramel rice cakes. Alone is yummy sweats in my room, braiding my hair, taking off my makeup. Alone is turning on the heat, or just bundling up in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. Alone is sewing away in a patch of sunlight, or taking a nap, or reading a book in bed, a shitty book. Alone is singing along to the radio and not thinking I have to sound good. Alone is good music, smiling at strangers, and the profound sense of well-being and of place, when I am just one of the milling masses, but I am deliciously strangely intrisically me.

Talking, Ad Nauseum

Yesterday was a hash-it-out day, especially in the light of the previous evening. Post-flirtation-fueled evening with Ben, I really felt compelled to sort it out in my head... all of the angst, harmful thoughts, yearning, desire. It just sat in there for awhile, creating a kind of stewball of upset.

Sure, I want Ben. Sure, I want a lot of guys. I want Ian every time I hang out with him. When Conor stands up and unfolds in that particular way that only tall guys can, I want to suck on those lips for days. I want to kiss that delicious little scar right above Ben's lip. And then it just all devolves into horniness and that old story.

But do I ever really entertain these notions? Do I ever really consider the possibility, however small it may be, of doing something that would hurt Sean?

He fixes those huge blue eyes on me at the end of the day and I can't breathe. Everything about him takes my breath away, in the most sincere and cliche of ways. He is everything, my everything. I desire and adore him so completely that I ache sometimes. I want to nibble his skin, taste the delicious-smelling spot on the back of his neck, hold him and cradle him and feel his warmth and breathing til the end of time. And after tossing away relationships and treating them as carelessly as I would old laundry for years and years, why, oh why would I ever consider sabotaging the greatest piece of my life, the best thing I've known in all of my short, heart-renching existence?

Not to pass over into melodrama or anything, but from a less poetical and more practical angle, Sean is the best part of my life. Stop. Make that, one of the best parts of my life. (Remember who we're dating here, kids). I need to keep remembering that, even when it's easy to try to forget.

Such A Lovely Weekend

So the quilting retreat was this weekend, and I was apprehensive. Not apprehensive. Wrong word. But, in a nutshell, I had no idea what to expect. It could have been awkward, or incredible, or boring. It was... incredible.

There's a kind of zen-like state that one enters into when they're doing work, real work, creative work. And this weekend, in comfy slipper and sweats, listening to soft Christmas music, and being totally lulled by the gentle click-click-click of the sewing machine, I think I sorta got there. It was so... gentle, and relaxing... which is amazing, because I'm exhausted.

But mostly, it was inspiring. It was inspiring to be with creative women, and my grandmother, and my mother, who is perhaps the biggest inspiration of all. I loved every minute of it.

And this morning, snuggling up against my man, warm in the crook of his arm, I found absolute peace.

It's Gonna Be Good! I can sense it

Lovely evening last night, both at the gym and then hanging with Jason. I really did NOT enjoy my first motorcycle ride. I drooled. A lot.

But it was a good evening, and sleeping with Sean made it even better. I also really enjoyed talking to Mum. Once again, I don't want to be too dependent on Sean. I'm really trying to be better about staying apart, finding fulfillment with other people, and coming to him when we truly want to be together.

I love him more than words. I love him from the very depths of me. But it is also important that I love... me. Just me. Just me by myself, separate of all of this, apart from any other people.

I think this weekend is going to be wonderful. I'm excited to see Mum, and Grammy, and to work away on my quilt and craft projects. I'm excited to spend quality time with them both, to relax and take my time and be, just be, with other women, with no expectations, just relaxed and humming and sewing.

This morning, walking to work, I had one of those moments that doesn't come around too often, but feels entirely beautiful, and organic. It was the kind of moment where you're utterly captivated by the amazingness of life, as stupid as that sounds, where you're completely enthralled with anything and everything. Children on a scooter, the wind in the trees, a smiling homeless guy. Actually, it's not stupid. It's an acutely felt, perfectly realized moment where I can step out of myself and out of my head and think I'm here. I'm alive. I am lucky.




As a side note, thanks to Linda at Harvard Vanguard for exploring my options with blood tests, calling Dr. Shrinath AND the lab. What a peach.

Better Today

Not as much of a headache, feeling more productive... all n' all, in a better place.

Really trying to be quiet, calm, and truly in myself. Last night... the highlight was walking home, looking up through the trees, and seeing the way the lights were reflected in them, making them appear white instead of yellow or orange.

This weekend will be a good one. I was proud of myself for realizing that I wasn't going to be very good conversation with Mum, and getting off quickly. I was grumpy and tired. But I went to the gym and made a yummy dinner... things are looking up?

Today / Last Night

Last night might have been a pretty small breakthrough, but it was a breakthrough nonetheless. What I've realized is that Sean has not yet gotten over how I treated him in the past, especially during the summer at the Clam Festival and my birthday.

But I also think we did something pretty fantastic in that we had a successful, important conversation without it devolving. I wanted to say what I wanted to say, and I said it.

I want him to understand that even if he can't give me what I want, I still want to feel like I can express it.

Hearing him say that he still has anger about that made me realize that I can't hurry this, not any of it. So for a while, I'm going to forego the wedding websites and thoughts of marriage and "putting a ring on it". I can't hurry Sean, no matter how much of a deadline I may have, and perhaps taking a grand step back and revisiting myself is a good idea.

I'm not sure why I'm in such a hurry to get married. Perhaps this goes with my fear of dying, and also knowing that being married is something that I've always desperately wanted to experience. Maybe I worry about Sean's commitment in that he can't say to me "I want to spend my life with you", and a ring would be proof of that. Perhaps I want it because he's getting older, and I want to have time with him as his wife.

But even though I've half-heartedly known this all along, I have to stop treating our relationship now as an intermediary, as simply the step before 'it counts'. I don't want to be half in what we have now, waiting for the big commitment. I want to enjoy it, every minute of it, but when I'm in my head worrying about the future, I'm not here.

This has always been the problem with being a planner. In looking forward to everything, I forget where I am now, and perhaps that's partly where my innate fear of death stems from. I'm looking forward to so much that I worry I won't have time to 'do it all'. If I really, truly focus on being present, on sitting with myself at different times and revisiting me, of sitting with my thoughts and emotions and not always running wild with planning, I can truly find peace. I am loved. I am a good person. And I am blessed by all the love in my life.

I don't need to look forward. I need to look at now. Like Sean says. I need to stop trying to make things happen and just let them. I need to trust in the inevitable flow of life, in the endless possibilties that arise from each decision that do not fit in with my plan.

When I have let go of my plan, my life has taken spectacular detours. It was detours that led me to the most wonderful year of my life, with Sean, new relationships, new possibilities. It is detours that have led me to friends. It is openess and willingness and a sense of adventure and acceptance that my life is better when it doesn't follow my path.

Sean doesn't have to propose to me within the year. We don't have to move in together next year. Life is spectacular and beautiful right now. I have a man that I love, who loves me. I get to wake up next to him.

I have to just.... let... go.

Panic Attack Last Night

... and Esmond's in a bad mood. Also crampy and bloaty. And cold.


Happy Fucking Monday.

Jump Awn It

Time to get back on track. Esmond thinks that I'm a royal fuck-up.

Can't have that happening anymore.


I am good at my job. Thorough. Complete. A hard-worker. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize.

Much Better

I did have high hopes for yesterday: I did. I thought that even if I'm not driven enough to read that full manuscript from the lovely downy fluff of my bed, I could at least respond to a few emails, finish up the YoungHouseLove notes, etc. etc.

Well, eff that. It took almost alllll of my sapped, clog-nosed energy to drive home, down a half cup of Nyquil, and crawl back in bed. Four hours later, I crawled out, groggy, drained, and wiped. I watched five Taylor Swift music videos, ate some pasta, and then (surprise!) fell asleep again.

Today, I'm back at work, up and at 'em, and even though I wish Sean had spent the night, I think in hindsight it's good that he didn't. I was a stuffed up, runny-nosed mess (we can spare him that). Now we can hopefully spend some time this weekend together without me feeling obligated to separate. Also I got to see Boy on the T. And even though I had to sexily mime biting the pad of my thumb because I couldn't close my mouth (can't breathe through my nose), he still STILL smiled at me. Yum-o!

So much to do before the party tomorrow. Cleaning and sewing and baking... oh my! I've got to prioritize, fo sure. But it's going to be a fun one! Lots of great people, interesting dynamics, etc. May need to bow out early from drinks tonight, as I need to be home by eight, minimum.

Fears

I just have to remember that I'm a good person. I am. I'm there for Meg, and I have been there for Meg, whenever, WHENEVER she's needed me. I swallow a lot of hurt and pain and try to suck it up and give her what she needs. And I don't ...

Sometimes my heart hurts when I think that I'm a good person, and then I think I think I'm a good person, and then I wonder if I'm like Aunt Sue. And I think what I think, but in reality, I'm actually a total retard with my head up my ass who nobody has the guts to confront about my total self-obsession and idiocy.

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm exactly what Meg says, which is crazy and self-obsessed and self-righteous and above all, that I don't understand anything about anyone.

And unfortunately, relations with people like Rachel and Baldi and Mizi just cement that.

Crazy

Having to deal all day every day with a boss who wants to know "Where have you been hiding my mail?" or "How do I program the alarm on my cell phone?" really really truly makes me want to kill myself.

Because I don't have better things to do than maliciously hide your mail.

I Am A Good Person

I am a good person.

Congrats Me

In the past half hour, have just simultaneously flipped shit on Rachel and Meg both.

Rachel is just the world's biggest cunt. And I don't really give a shit whether or not things with her change.

But Meg? Jesus, I'm done with that camp. I'm not subjecting myself to her anger and rage for the next six months just because she has no outlet for any of it.


But I'm really, really, really goddam upset right now.

I Wish I Was More Mature About This

But in all honesty, being able to bitch about Cunty Coworker to Sara (thank you Sara) feels soooooo soooooo good. Fucking whore.

Therapy

Yesterday, went back to visit ol' Janice. Boy did I have updates for her. Last time I left her in November, Sean and I were not yet an item and my biggest concern was how to support Meg. Since then, Meg's been to LHI (twice), herniated her disc, and been assaulted. Since then, my parents and I have established some very important boundaries in our relationship. Since then, I've been owning my job. Since then, Sean and I have been dating (for almost a year).

Wow.... a lot's changed. And though therapy is rough (having to face bad behaviors, owning up to patterns, digging through your shit), it's always helpful, and though I dread going, I leave feeling better and more hopeful.

I'm hopeful for the rest of the year. I'm hopeful for the changes that it will inevitably bring, and to work hard on the things that I can change and control.

Today I think I will languish at the library for a bit and listen to Bon Iver. Today... I.... like my hair.

Ridiculous

I fucking hate everybody.

My coworker is the biggest goddam cunt I've ever met.
Sean's useless.
And my family?


Fuck 'em.

Just Not Good

I can pretty much already tell today is going to suck.
Straight-up... suck.


Coming off the weekend was hard enough. I had such high hopes for my weekend with Meg, and they just failed miserably. I know she has a lot of anger and frustration to let out, but there's no excuse. And she won't apologize... I think that's the part that makes me angriest. I don't know how to let this one go without an apology. But I'm angry. I'm so angry. Or maybe less angry and just sadly resigned. Mum hasn't called, so I assume Meg told her something. But I'm still pretty frustrated with Mum for everything that went down last week. Stupid, stupid stupid.


So here's where I am: sans much of a support system. My two biggest advocates, Meg and Mum, have both let me down spectacularly. Pops... well I haven't chatted with him since he tried to talk me out of being a teacher. That's where I am with that. And my other biggest supporter, Sean... well unfortunately I've been trying to pull away from him to give him more space and set up boundaries.

Once again, I find myself feeling entirely alone. And maybe that's okay... I can learn to deal with it.


But until then, today sucks. Once again, the bosses are insane. Coworker hasn't changed... why would she? It's a Monday, and I feel sick and worn-out. Therapy at noon. And just... all this. I should probably hunker down and just try to weather it out. That's the best I can hope for right now.

Durn

When I'm tired, at the end of the longest of long weeks, I still just want to curl up in his arms and kiss him. Daaaaaarn it.

Focus, Kate. Focus on Meggie. Focus on how much fun you're going to have tonight (and IKEA tomorrow!)

You miss him, yes, but it's mostly you being tired. You saw him this morning. Relax... breathe... relax.

Today Will Be A Good Day

Last night, I got to sleep next to Sean. And god, it felt good.

But it felt good after watching TV with Yola. And after checking out that sexpot at the gym (who followed me out again... yurm). And after having a frustrating, but good conversation with my mother (eh... kinda).

I talked to him this morning about some of the thoughts I've been having. Not going in depth, but certainly discussing my feelings and the thought process I've been following since Tuesday.

He said "I'm sorry it's been such a shitty week". And I agree.

I'm not wasting time worrying about his ex, or his female friends, or that he doesn't love me.
Because what we're working on now is ME loving me, not him. I know he loves me. And if he doesn't, there's not much I can do to change the situation. The only person whose love I should be worrying about right now is my own.


So I'm taking this weekend in stride. Yes I want to spend time with him. But I'm excited to see Meg, see Ally Cohan, go to some parties, putter, work on my costume. And yes, to see him too.


I am goddam Buddha right now. Centering myself. Om om om. Nothing's going to bring down my mood today.


FUCK YOU RACHEL.


Okay, just had to get that off my chest.

Fluffy... Lighter Than Air

So I walk in this morning and Coworker is sitting there at her office, stone face at her computer, refusing to look up when I walk in. HONESTLY. I say "Good morning" as I walk to Boss's office. Nothing. Nada.

Fine. You know what? Fine.

I can't help everyone. And sometimes, people are just straight-up botarded, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I refuse to let Coworker's passive-aggressive constipation ruin my morning or my day. If she's truly, TRULY that childish, fine.

I'm not letting it affect me, and I'm not going to waste one more second of my day thinking about it. Ta - da! Gone!

You're Lovely. It's Vile Richard.

Sometimes, when there's soooo much crazy around you, you can't help but wonder "Is it me?"

I went through that phase with my old roommates who, let's be honest, were about as functional and put-together as my baby cousin's blow-poops. And I'm going through it now, a little bit, when I start thinking about Friend and my Hideous Coworker with the maturity of a twelve year old.

I am GODDAM approachable. And what the fuck. How many times have I said "Listen, I know that we work in close proximity and there may be times when I frustrate you. But please, please approach me when you have these problems instead of ignoring me."

Yet, she's ignoring me.

The passive aggressive is just... stunning. Absolutely mind-blowing.


The same with my boss. I wonder if I'm a total nutter. But what the fuck... I'm great at my job. I do a GREAT JOB.


And it's at moments like this when I'm trying to train myself to change my mind, or at least my train of thought. I get to think, "Kate, you're lovely. You've done all you can, but you can't make everyone like you. Yes, you deserve happiness, yes, you deserve normal roommates, and you definitely deserve that raise."


I am lovely. And normal. Not normal, perhaps, but easy, approachable, and a good listener. I'm ALWAYS there in a pinch. So a 32-year-old who gets a high whiny baby voice when she says one unavoidable sentence to me a month because she's not ballsy enough to tell me what's up... well, she can go fuck herself. I don't need her. I don't need anyone. Well... that's not entirely true. But the point is, I'm going to trust myself.

Things That Make Me Happy

Aliza suggested that I make a list of things that make me happy, little things, and I should try to do a couple of them each day (thanks Anxiety Class!)

1. Sit out back in the garden.
2. Have fresh flowers in my room.
3. Listen to good music.
4. Read a book.
5. Leaf through magazines.
6. Knit.
7. Bake / cook.
8. Drink wine.
9. Clean my room.
10. Unload the dishwasher.
11. Do craft projects.
12. Read decor blogs.
13. Take long hot showers.
14. Work out.
15. Drink a cup of coffee.
16. Check jezebel.
17. Sit and stare out the window.
18. Sit down for a minute on the couch at work.
19. Paint my fingernails.
20. Watch TV.
21. Stretch.
22. Organize stuff.
23. Take a walk.

The Pivot Point

Last night might have been the moment.

Now, this may sound slightly dramatic. And perhaps it wasn't. Perhaps the moment has been nagging at the corner of my brain for a few weeks (months? years?) now. But no matter how much I ignore, or think I've changed, or push it away, something had to give. And last night it did.

I can count the number of panic attacks I've had on one finger. Yes, one finger. But last night, laying in bed with my mom on speakerphone, staring at the ceiling and heaving, HEAVING sobs that absolutely wracked me, unable to get the images out of my head of Sean's face, Sean's beautiful smiling face and being absolutely unable to breathe, I knew that I couldn't. I just couldn't. I can't do this. I can't live like this.

Mom said what's true, and what I've known all along. I live in fear of being alone because I don't trust that I will be okay. I'm scared to be alone. Hell, I can't sleep at night without Sean next to me.


Back when I was in college, I lost track of myself. I lost track of the wonderful, marvelous, unique me, the one that I loved with all of my being. The me that was just right as she was, with all of her misery and crazy and exuberance and childishness. I've always been just right. Just as I am. And then I lost it. When I broke up with Trevor, I vowed that it would never happen again.

And now I'm right back where I've started. The fabulous, beautiful, marvelous me is slipping away again. Sean's noticed, and it's the one thing that's affecting our relationship the most. What I've realized is that all the times that I said I was my best self around him, I meant that I was my best self for him. I was patient and caring and sometimes withheld myself because I knew that was what he needed. But what I lost sight of was the my part of the equation. Because even though I adopted all of these traits (that are quite good traits to have), I was so focused on how I could be good for him that I forgot how to be good for me.

I forgot... how to be good for me.

That just came out, but I have the sense that that sentence has been waiting for the right moment to spring out.

I forgot how to love myself, how to be when alone. I've placed my life within the context of him, and I hate it.


I want to be okay sleeping alone. Hells, why wouldn't I be? I have the whole of the delicious cozy bed to myself. I can spread out, wear pajamas, not worry about sweaty bodies. Maybe I can stop viewing it as a death sentence. Maybe I can rejoice that I don't have to brush my hair before I fall into bed, that I can masturbate when I wake up, that my zits can come out in all their glory and I can goop on zit zapper without worrying how I look. Maybe I can rejoice that I don't have to wear mascara to bed. I can wear ratty pants and giant cozy t-shirts and socks and pile my bed with pillows. I can wake up to the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack over and over. I don't have to turn the hot water off in the shower. I can take extra time drying my hair, doing my make-up. I can wear big giant comfy undies. I can watch lesbo porn on my computer. I should probably start falling asleep to music, and I definitely don't like falling asleep in the dark. I'm going to string up Christmas lights again.

The point of this blog is for me to fall in love with myself again. For me to learn how to be alone, and not just how to be alone, but to enjoy it (gasp!). For me to be able to have more moments like this morning, when I was smoothing lotion on my legs and I was a little surprised at how firm the muscle was there. I LIKED that. I like my body, my wit, my insight. I like that I'm approachable. I like myself when I'm quiet. I like myself when I'm busy, when I'm puttering, when I'm cooking, when I'm taking on huge craft projects or a garden. I like vegging out and watching TV with a glass of wine and a big cozy blanket.

I'm going to find myself. And I'm going to fall in love all over again.