The Theme Is

Forgiveness.

That's where we're going here.

Forgiveness for the people who frustrate me.

And I don't care if I come across as a sanctimonious hag. I forgive. I'm going to forgive.

I forgive Meaghan. For being horrendous. Because she's angry and she has not way of venting it. And if I can be an easy target for her to feel better, than I will be.

I forgive Kelly for acting the way she does. She doesn't know any better, and she can't help it. And I don't envy her. She has it rough... it must be lonely.

I forgive Trevor for being as pigheaded as he can be. He also doesn't know any better.

I forgive Rachel. Ugh. That's a tough one. But I forgive her. She's obviously not right in the head and can't deal with... something. Not my problem. I forgive her for thinking that this is normal.



That's it for now.

Fears

I just have to remember that I'm a good person. I am. I'm there for Meg, and I have been there for Meg, whenever, WHENEVER she's needed me. I swallow a lot of hurt and pain and try to suck it up and give her what she needs. And I don't ...

Sometimes my heart hurts when I think that I'm a good person, and then I think I think I'm a good person, and then I wonder if I'm like Aunt Sue. And I think what I think, but in reality, I'm actually a total retard with my head up my ass who nobody has the guts to confront about my total self-obsession and idiocy.

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm exactly what Meg says, which is crazy and self-obsessed and self-righteous and above all, that I don't understand anything about anyone.

And unfortunately, relations with people like Rachel and Baldi and Mizi just cement that.

Congrats Me

In the past half hour, have just simultaneously flipped shit on Rachel and Meg both.

Rachel is just the world's biggest cunt. And I don't really give a shit whether or not things with her change.

But Meg? Jesus, I'm done with that camp. I'm not subjecting myself to her anger and rage for the next six months just because she has no outlet for any of it.


But I'm really, really, really goddam upset right now.

Just Not Good

I can pretty much already tell today is going to suck.
Straight-up... suck.


Coming off the weekend was hard enough. I had such high hopes for my weekend with Meg, and they just failed miserably. I know she has a lot of anger and frustration to let out, but there's no excuse. And she won't apologize... I think that's the part that makes me angriest. I don't know how to let this one go without an apology. But I'm angry. I'm so angry. Or maybe less angry and just sadly resigned. Mum hasn't called, so I assume Meg told her something. But I'm still pretty frustrated with Mum for everything that went down last week. Stupid, stupid stupid.


So here's where I am: sans much of a support system. My two biggest advocates, Meg and Mum, have both let me down spectacularly. Pops... well I haven't chatted with him since he tried to talk me out of being a teacher. That's where I am with that. And my other biggest supporter, Sean... well unfortunately I've been trying to pull away from him to give him more space and set up boundaries.

Once again, I find myself feeling entirely alone. And maybe that's okay... I can learn to deal with it.


But until then, today sucks. Once again, the bosses are insane. Coworker hasn't changed... why would she? It's a Monday, and I feel sick and worn-out. Therapy at noon. And just... all this. I should probably hunker down and just try to weather it out. That's the best I can hope for right now.

Today Will Be A Good Day

Last night, I got to sleep next to Sean. And god, it felt good.

But it felt good after watching TV with Yola. And after checking out that sexpot at the gym (who followed me out again... yurm). And after having a frustrating, but good conversation with my mother (eh... kinda).

I talked to him this morning about some of the thoughts I've been having. Not going in depth, but certainly discussing my feelings and the thought process I've been following since Tuesday.

He said "I'm sorry it's been such a shitty week". And I agree.

I'm not wasting time worrying about his ex, or his female friends, or that he doesn't love me.
Because what we're working on now is ME loving me, not him. I know he loves me. And if he doesn't, there's not much I can do to change the situation. The only person whose love I should be worrying about right now is my own.


So I'm taking this weekend in stride. Yes I want to spend time with him. But I'm excited to see Meg, see Ally Cohan, go to some parties, putter, work on my costume. And yes, to see him too.


I am goddam Buddha right now. Centering myself. Om om om. Nothing's going to bring down my mood today.


FUCK YOU RACHEL.


Okay, just had to get that off my chest.