Well.

This weekend sucked.

It was sad and depressing and harrowing and difficult and it made me incredibly unhappy and unsettled.

Basically everything that I've thought about Sean and I, and the way we were going, was just... dead wrong.

Not that I'm not special to him. Not that he doesn't love me. Not that this isn't an important relationship. Not that he doesn't see this going somewhere.

It's that he doesn't know.

It's that, by now, he doesn't know.

Also, that I do things that are immature. Well, fuck you, you stubborn old bastard, because I'm goddam 23.

But I don't want to break up with him. I don't want to leave him. I just want him to know.

I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I'm so so so angry. I don't know how to react, and I don't know how to deal with the upcoming weeks. I'm just so full of weight, and sadness.

I've decided to take Ian's advice, which is, to say, that I have to find my own fulfillment, and if Sean's along for the ride, so be it. If not, I will be fine. This will be a long relationship that fell apart and is sad, but I will be okay.

If it falls apart, it's because it was meant to. It's because I wasn't enough for Sean, or he wasn't enough for me. And at the end of the day, instead of forcing something that's not meant to be, I have to let it evolve as it will.

But I'm incredibly, incredibly sad right now.