You might want to know now, and you may want to prepare yourself for all the possible outcomes.
You might want to curl up like a turtle and build a hard shell of protect-able possibilities around you. You will want to envision the worst, from him with another woman, to him leaving you, to this going on for a long time, to you never finding anyone like him again, him not wanting kids. And you'll want to envision the best, a long life together, babies, a wedding in your backyard.
But none of this means anything. And none of this can possibly 'prepare' you in any way for whatever the future will bring. Envisioning it in your head will not make the outcomes more likely, or less / more painful. It will only serve to remove you from the here-and-now, from the healing that you should be doing for yourself.
You must focus on the now. On the being together when you are, and comforting yourself and bringing yourself joy when you're not. On healing, on peace, on thoughtful, kind, self-attention. No one expects you to not hurt. Your feelings about this are all your own, and whether you feel lonely, joyful, or like you might cry for the rest of your life, be there. Be in them. Allow whatever comes up to come up, and sit with it. Let it wash through you in waves. Feel it deep in the heart of you and remember that you're human, that you're fallible, and that you are allowed to hurt.
But also revel in these moments, because they are testimonies of your strength.
Every day that you keep on going, get out of bed, work, see friends, go home, go the gym... this a testimony to you, to your bravery, to your courage. It is a wonder that you function at all, not to mention that it is a sheer miracle that you can turn your face up to the sun and feel moments of bliss, no matter how small or insignificant. Revel in your strength. Revel in your resilience. Know, know, in the deepest cave-like spaces of your heart, that no matter what the world throws at you, you will keep on breathing. You will wake up in the morning, even when you feel like dying. You will eat, and sleep, and cry, and then there will be moments when you feel joy, and you can laugh again. And because of your strength, and what you've endured, and what you can endure... nothing that the world throws at you will ever be able to bring you under.
Know, know in your bones, that whatever happens will happen. You can only control your own life, your own actions, your own responses. So be brave, and be good to yourself. Love him firmly and completely, but do not forget to love yourself first and foremost. Settle into the unknowing. Settle into the uncertainty. Let it wash through you and allow yourself to feel momentary terror, but then relax into it and you will find it doesn't hurt as much.
You are beautiful, and intrepid, and a pillar of strength. You are a miracle. Love him, but love yourself. Comfort yourself. Breathe it in, breathe it out.
Turn your face to the sun.
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