Good Good Good

What a magnificent Thanksgiving.


Certainly, with its bumps, and hang-ups, and tiffs. But nonetheless, wonderful.

I'm feeling rested, refreshed, and completely happy. Decorating for Christmas last night put me in a very happy mood, and it felt great to be getting into the Christmas spirit.

NOW:
I'm facing my post-Thanksgiving bloat, and my tummy is out. of. control.
So for this week (WEEK), my goals are to:
a) not drink at all until Friday
b) get my room in functional and working order
c) get to the gym twice
d) eat healthily
e) pick a new book

For the weekend:
a) go to the gym once
b) have max two drinks on either night
c) finish Meg's pillows
d) start painting
e) finish decorating for Christmas

The Weekend

Ups and downs, as always. But strangely, I feel that we got to a point where we were squarely sitting on solid ground. I truly feel that because many of our fights over the past few things have been about very similar things, that we might get to a point of being okay again.

What he wants from me is respect. And I get that... I do. And I know that in the past few weeks, I haven't been giving him the respect he deserves. From hanging out with guys solo to being shady about late nights to showing up wasted to not paying attention to him when we're together, he's right. I have not... been... respecting him.

And what I need from him? I suppose this was the sadder of the two. Revealing to him that no wonder I feel like he's going to leave me, because I don't even get the sense that he likes me? That was a tough one to hash out. Saying to Sean "You act like you don't even enjoy spending time with me"? Well, I think he heard it, realllllly loud and clear.

I love him completely. Totally. 100%. And I think we both got it, and know what we need to work on. I'm excited for the next chapter.

More

I forgive Sarah Palin. I do. I know she's stupid and trolls out rumors, but I forgive her for trying. She bit off more than she could chew... I don't think she quite knows what she does.

I forgive Lane for being a total spaz. It's the way she is, and I'm lucky to have a job.

I forgive Janice Wagner, even though she frustrates me, because she's trying to help.

I forgive myself. For last night.

The Theme Is

Forgiveness.

That's where we're going here.

Forgiveness for the people who frustrate me.

And I don't care if I come across as a sanctimonious hag. I forgive. I'm going to forgive.

I forgive Meaghan. For being horrendous. Because she's angry and she has not way of venting it. And if I can be an easy target for her to feel better, than I will be.

I forgive Kelly for acting the way she does. She doesn't know any better, and she can't help it. And I don't envy her. She has it rough... it must be lonely.

I forgive Trevor for being as pigheaded as he can be. He also doesn't know any better.

I forgive Rachel. Ugh. That's a tough one. But I forgive her. She's obviously not right in the head and can't deal with... something. Not my problem. I forgive her for thinking that this is normal.



That's it for now.

This Week, I Would Respectfully Request:

1. Sex, please. And an orgasm.
2. To get some unequivocable reading time.
3. No massive breakouts of zits, please.
4. At least one Gym Nate sighting.
5. Not to get yelled at by Esmond.
6. Conference room clean of Lane's stuff.
7. To not be insane, and to actually finish all the stuff on my to-do list.

And, 8. Though I know you're impossible, I'm going to put the wishes out into the world anyway.

A week completely free of Carrie Prejean, Michael Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, Dina Lohan, the Gosselins, Sarah Palin. Kthanx.

9, you are also impossible.

Rachel to fall into a crevasse.

Ugh, Not Great

When I start fantasizing about Ben during, instead of girl on girl, or Sean, or something else, that presents a problem.

Ugh. How to stop this.


How to get out of this rut, especilly when being with Sean makes me so sublimely happy.

Sit With It

I love this expression.

All of its iterations: tease it out, live in it, breathe through it, allow it in, ponder it.

Sit with it. The idea for me, when it chimes in the back of my brain, is incredibly soothing. I feel my breath slow down.

There are many moments throughout the day when emotions rise up, suddenly, and they strike far more fiercely than they should. Read: sitting at my desk right now, thinking suddenly: "I'm lonely!"
And then: "Why does nobody love me?!"


Immediately, I thought, "Well Kate, why don't you sit with that."



So I am.

I'm lonely because I'm not getting tons of emails from the people who usually email me. But of course, both of them warned me it would be busy post Veterans-Day. And they're not not emailing me because they don't like me. They just have a lot going on.


And if I don't join anybody for lunch, I can do what I toyed with the idea with of doing already, which is parking my ass down at Starbucks and reading The Book Thief for an hour in one of their comfy chairs while sipping a yummy hot cider.

ALONE. Alone is A-OK. Alone is nibbling on caramel rice cakes. Alone is yummy sweats in my room, braiding my hair, taking off my makeup. Alone is turning on the heat, or just bundling up in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. Alone is sewing away in a patch of sunlight, or taking a nap, or reading a book in bed, a shitty book. Alone is singing along to the radio and not thinking I have to sound good. Alone is good music, smiling at strangers, and the profound sense of well-being and of place, when I am just one of the milling masses, but I am deliciously strangely intrisically me.

Talking, Ad Nauseum

Yesterday was a hash-it-out day, especially in the light of the previous evening. Post-flirtation-fueled evening with Ben, I really felt compelled to sort it out in my head... all of the angst, harmful thoughts, yearning, desire. It just sat in there for awhile, creating a kind of stewball of upset.

Sure, I want Ben. Sure, I want a lot of guys. I want Ian every time I hang out with him. When Conor stands up and unfolds in that particular way that only tall guys can, I want to suck on those lips for days. I want to kiss that delicious little scar right above Ben's lip. And then it just all devolves into horniness and that old story.

But do I ever really entertain these notions? Do I ever really consider the possibility, however small it may be, of doing something that would hurt Sean?

He fixes those huge blue eyes on me at the end of the day and I can't breathe. Everything about him takes my breath away, in the most sincere and cliche of ways. He is everything, my everything. I desire and adore him so completely that I ache sometimes. I want to nibble his skin, taste the delicious-smelling spot on the back of his neck, hold him and cradle him and feel his warmth and breathing til the end of time. And after tossing away relationships and treating them as carelessly as I would old laundry for years and years, why, oh why would I ever consider sabotaging the greatest piece of my life, the best thing I've known in all of my short, heart-renching existence?

Not to pass over into melodrama or anything, but from a less poetical and more practical angle, Sean is the best part of my life. Stop. Make that, one of the best parts of my life. (Remember who we're dating here, kids). I need to keep remembering that, even when it's easy to try to forget.

Such A Lovely Weekend

So the quilting retreat was this weekend, and I was apprehensive. Not apprehensive. Wrong word. But, in a nutshell, I had no idea what to expect. It could have been awkward, or incredible, or boring. It was... incredible.

There's a kind of zen-like state that one enters into when they're doing work, real work, creative work. And this weekend, in comfy slipper and sweats, listening to soft Christmas music, and being totally lulled by the gentle click-click-click of the sewing machine, I think I sorta got there. It was so... gentle, and relaxing... which is amazing, because I'm exhausted.

But mostly, it was inspiring. It was inspiring to be with creative women, and my grandmother, and my mother, who is perhaps the biggest inspiration of all. I loved every minute of it.

And this morning, snuggling up against my man, warm in the crook of his arm, I found absolute peace.

It's Gonna Be Good! I can sense it

Lovely evening last night, both at the gym and then hanging with Jason. I really did NOT enjoy my first motorcycle ride. I drooled. A lot.

But it was a good evening, and sleeping with Sean made it even better. I also really enjoyed talking to Mum. Once again, I don't want to be too dependent on Sean. I'm really trying to be better about staying apart, finding fulfillment with other people, and coming to him when we truly want to be together.

I love him more than words. I love him from the very depths of me. But it is also important that I love... me. Just me. Just me by myself, separate of all of this, apart from any other people.

I think this weekend is going to be wonderful. I'm excited to see Mum, and Grammy, and to work away on my quilt and craft projects. I'm excited to spend quality time with them both, to relax and take my time and be, just be, with other women, with no expectations, just relaxed and humming and sewing.

This morning, walking to work, I had one of those moments that doesn't come around too often, but feels entirely beautiful, and organic. It was the kind of moment where you're utterly captivated by the amazingness of life, as stupid as that sounds, where you're completely enthralled with anything and everything. Children on a scooter, the wind in the trees, a smiling homeless guy. Actually, it's not stupid. It's an acutely felt, perfectly realized moment where I can step out of myself and out of my head and think I'm here. I'm alive. I am lucky.




As a side note, thanks to Linda at Harvard Vanguard for exploring my options with blood tests, calling Dr. Shrinath AND the lab. What a peach.

Better Today

Not as much of a headache, feeling more productive... all n' all, in a better place.

Really trying to be quiet, calm, and truly in myself. Last night... the highlight was walking home, looking up through the trees, and seeing the way the lights were reflected in them, making them appear white instead of yellow or orange.

This weekend will be a good one. I was proud of myself for realizing that I wasn't going to be very good conversation with Mum, and getting off quickly. I was grumpy and tired. But I went to the gym and made a yummy dinner... things are looking up?

Today / Last Night

Last night might have been a pretty small breakthrough, but it was a breakthrough nonetheless. What I've realized is that Sean has not yet gotten over how I treated him in the past, especially during the summer at the Clam Festival and my birthday.

But I also think we did something pretty fantastic in that we had a successful, important conversation without it devolving. I wanted to say what I wanted to say, and I said it.

I want him to understand that even if he can't give me what I want, I still want to feel like I can express it.

Hearing him say that he still has anger about that made me realize that I can't hurry this, not any of it. So for a while, I'm going to forego the wedding websites and thoughts of marriage and "putting a ring on it". I can't hurry Sean, no matter how much of a deadline I may have, and perhaps taking a grand step back and revisiting myself is a good idea.

I'm not sure why I'm in such a hurry to get married. Perhaps this goes with my fear of dying, and also knowing that being married is something that I've always desperately wanted to experience. Maybe I worry about Sean's commitment in that he can't say to me "I want to spend my life with you", and a ring would be proof of that. Perhaps I want it because he's getting older, and I want to have time with him as his wife.

But even though I've half-heartedly known this all along, I have to stop treating our relationship now as an intermediary, as simply the step before 'it counts'. I don't want to be half in what we have now, waiting for the big commitment. I want to enjoy it, every minute of it, but when I'm in my head worrying about the future, I'm not here.

This has always been the problem with being a planner. In looking forward to everything, I forget where I am now, and perhaps that's partly where my innate fear of death stems from. I'm looking forward to so much that I worry I won't have time to 'do it all'. If I really, truly focus on being present, on sitting with myself at different times and revisiting me, of sitting with my thoughts and emotions and not always running wild with planning, I can truly find peace. I am loved. I am a good person. And I am blessed by all the love in my life.

I don't need to look forward. I need to look at now. Like Sean says. I need to stop trying to make things happen and just let them. I need to trust in the inevitable flow of life, in the endless possibilties that arise from each decision that do not fit in with my plan.

When I have let go of my plan, my life has taken spectacular detours. It was detours that led me to the most wonderful year of my life, with Sean, new relationships, new possibilities. It is detours that have led me to friends. It is openess and willingness and a sense of adventure and acceptance that my life is better when it doesn't follow my path.

Sean doesn't have to propose to me within the year. We don't have to move in together next year. Life is spectacular and beautiful right now. I have a man that I love, who loves me. I get to wake up next to him.

I have to just.... let... go.

Panic Attack Last Night

... and Esmond's in a bad mood. Also crampy and bloaty. And cold.


Happy Fucking Monday.