Can't Believe...

It's been a year. I think about myself at this point last year, and dear god, how much I've changed. I detailed most of it in my love letter to Sean, but I'm also amazed... and proud. I've done good. I've done well.

I look at Sean, and it's the first time in my life that I've looked at someone and thought Yes. You. Please. Always.

What a feeling.

Ugh WHY

WHY when things keep going well, do I have to just straight-up fuck it up?!!? WHY can I be so insensitive and reckless with his feelings?! How did I think he was going to respond?

I can be such a pigheaded piece of shit crapbrain MEAN PERSON. Does Sean not spoil me rotten? Do I not appreciate it enough? WHY on earth do I think that these things I throw out there don't affect him... it's such bullshit and it's so damn rude and wrong of me.

We had such a lovely weekend and for the most part, week, and I have to go and cock it up....

A Wonderful, Wonderful Quote

"I choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman." - Anais Nin

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Kate.
Listen. Up.


Don't. Screw. It. Up.

For christs sake. Have you learned nothing? Keep your personal life OUT of the office, and don't start goddam making plans when you can't even get through the week without getting pissy like crazy.

Sean loves you. He loves you. He straight-up, crazy-time, out-of-control ADORES you. He puts up with so much because he enjoys your presence. He loves making you laugh. He loves your jokes and your conversation and your quirky hobbies and your intelligence. He loves your kindness. He. Loves. You.

And yes, eventually one day, he wants you to be the one.


So focus on being with him. Laugh with him. Love him the best you can. And get the fuck out of your head. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. In the meantime, hold him close every single night and laugh your head off.

Ugh

But days like today, when we meet for lunch, and his hair is adorably ruffled and his coat skims his frame and his eyes crinkle up and he holds me and kisses me gently, I find it insanely hard not to smother him. I don't want to wait, I don't wait to wait another minute. I want him to propose, I want to quit my job and go home and fall into bed with him and just not move, ever. Not for food, not to go to the bathroom. I want to be wrapped up in his presence for my lifetime and never let him out of my sight.

This is when I smother. This, this is when I go back to work and look at wedding dresses and daydream about his proposal and wait, wait for the day when he decides to make me his.

I love him beyond words and reason. It's insanity.

So I'm going to throw myself into work this minute so I don't become a fucking headcase.

Ruminating

All in all, a highly productive weekend. Excellent good times, beautiful moments with friends and lover, good food, good wine, quilting.

I realized last night, while talking to Sean, that (like I said to him this morning), I've never really given his relationship with Michelle or the way it ended up the gravity that it has deserved.

The last relationship where he moved in with a girl, she left him and he moved 8 hours away from everything he knew. The last time he attempted marriage, it ended in a fiery explosion of shit.

I. Get it. I get it now. I get why my pushing and prodding does no good. Until he has a sense that we have some normalcy or stability in our relationship, he's not going to be actively thinking about it. And on the other side, while I'm constantly thinking about it and reveling in it, I'm missing out on us, now.

My time spent with him is wonderful and precious. It's funny and fantastic, and there will be a point in time when I'll miss it. This isn't the step in-between. It's a step, all in its own, and I must, must, must enjoy it. It is only when we are both solidly living in the now that we can build stability and establish ourselves. And that's what I want.

The Week

Surprisingly, it's been a good week.
I hesitate to say it's because Sean has been sick, because ugh, what does that mean, right? But like Yola said last night, we fit together well. Very, very well.

I love him insanely. And we make it work.

Good