ALSO

STOP TEXTING THE DUDES. THEY CANT TEXT YOU. AND STOP IM'ING THE DUDES. THEY CAN IM YOU. AND STOP EMAILING THE DUDES. THEY CAN DO THAT TOO.

give 'em the opportunity to pursue you. and in the meantime, fill up your space with fun.

Today, Remind Yourself

PEP TALK FROM A BEST FRIEND is great n' all, but today? I'm going to remind myself SANS website.

Today, remind yourself: You are a mothafuckin' badass, Caulfield. You are a bad girl to the bone. You live without regrets. You don't need a shit job, crazy people, boring boys, bad sex. Fart in your office. Steal the Kleenex. Post your resume nonstop and get out of this insane work environment with people who bring you down. You are a BAD GIRL. You've got all the charm, wit, and wisdom to make it in this world.

Don't forget to be humble. Don't forget to, eh, in blank terms, not be a little shit. But holy christ, hear you roar. You've got it all, girl. So get what you want, and don't let anyone hold you back.

Today

I'm just going to have to be really, really good to myself. Because I'm cold, sad, and lonely. Time to cuddle myself, cradle myself, and nurture myself.

No one ever, ever, said that this would be easy.

So

Today sucks. Already. Big ol' zit on my face, not enough sleep, tired as hell. And saw S this weekend. Wow... was that fucking fun or what. Happy goddam Sunday, Caulfield. Excited for your date? That's great - bam, here's your ex.

I am hauling around my damn CPAP machine, and I'm freezing. Did I mention I have an epic zit? ANd did I mentioned that I feel lonelier, and sadder, and shittier than I've felt in a while now? I knew that there were going to be lonely times... I knew that I would get down. But Ben's falling in love, Trev's gone, Meggo hasn't called, and Sean? Well. Sean.

And in the meantime, I continue to stuff my empty heart with even emptier sex and dates. I'm sure it's coping. But... god.

The Way It Goes

I guess this is the way it goes.

Two steps forward.

One step back.

Little bits of progress.

Tiny, tiny motions forward.

And the hope.

The shred of hope that was once barely even discernible, or maybe at one point, not even there at all.

And then it becomes a shred. And then a little tiny light. And eventually, as the sun continues to shine and I continue to sleep through the night and I journal and write and eat and breathe and cry and turn on lights and turn off lights and make my bed and shower and run and scream and laugh and smile, it will become a beacon.

I will be... alright.

No.

I will be more than alright.

This is my chance to find myself.

To really, truly, honestly, find myself.

To fall in love with myself.

To find confidence, and happiness, and inner peace.

And only when I truly love me, when I have the confidence that is just for me and not for anyone else, will I consider the possibility of looking for love again.

I have always been afraid of being alone. I have always been afraid of losing Sean. It terrified me, because I didn't know how to be without him. So I held on by my fingernails, even when it killed me so much and hurt me so deeply.

And then the unimaginable happened. And I lost him.

And I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive. And I believe, maybe sometimes more often than other times, that I will be okay.

I love myself. And I have to find myself again. I have to find the things that I lost. The happiness. The joy. The exuberance, and lust for life. The adventurousness and love for activity. The pleasure found in doing things, in going places, in experiencing life. I have to find the ridiculous sense of humor, teh empathy, the caring, the kindness, the openess, the emotional maturity, the strength.

I am beautiful. That is true. But I am so much more than that. I have wisdom well beyond my years. I am fantastically funny, intuitive, and smart. I know a LOT. About a LOT of things. I'm interesting. I'm beyond talented. I make things happen in ways that are absolutely astounding. I am never vanquished, and time and time again, I have picked myself up... MYSELF. Only I could pick myself up, and I have, and I'll do it again. The only person I need at night is me. The only person I need to cuddle in the morning is me. I have it all. I have it in spades. I am a wonderful wonderful human being. Yes, I have many weaknesses. But they are things that I accept and try to improve, always, which is such a damn amazing thing. Moreso, I have reached a level of kindness, empathy, and forgiveness in my young 23 years that is beyond incredible. I am strong, and brilliant.

And I deserve the world. There is nothing that I don't deserve. I deserve someone who will love every inch of me, who will adore me for me and never ask me to be anything but the fantastic, wonderful woman that I am. I want that, and I don't want to settle for less.

But first, I have to love myself. Which means that the voices inside me crowding my head and thoughts, the ones that tell me I'm somehow "less", the ones that cut me down and make me think that I don't deserve the things I do, that my plans aren't "worthy", that my wants are "ridiculous"... these are the voices that I have to work on silencing. Because they're hurtful, and they're poison, and they're untrue. I want what I want. And I get to ask for what I want. And I have faith that I'll find it.

Clarity

With startling, absolute, acute clarity, I realized:

I don't have to be afraid anymore.

All of the fear... of being alone... that I would break... that I would curl up and die and the pain would be so unimaginable that I could even begin to bear it....

I have borne it. I have survived it. And I can survive anything, anything that comes my way.

I don't have to be afraid anymore. Of anything.

It's going to hurt like a bitch. For a long time. And I'll be angry, and furious, and have moments of clarity, and then moments of complete and utter sadness.

But I will survive it. As I can survive anything.

I winked at someone today.

Life goes on.

All The Things That I Want To Say

I miss you. Every minute of the day. I miss the mornings, which were for us. I miss the evenings, when we'd snuggle. I miss your face, your breath, your smell, your kisses, your hands, the way you held me, dear fucking god I feel as if my chest is going to crack open, this hurts so much.

I miss you constantly. Everything I do reminds me of you. The things that I loved, that you love too. I can't keep emailing you. I can't call. I can't drive over and see you.

I have to be stronger than this, so I"m writing it here.

But I'm angry too. I'm angry because you asked me to get on board, and then you reneged. You asked me to commit, and I did, and then you couldn't. I loved you, and I tried to be better for you, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't forgive, because I loved you that damn much. I forgave your drinking, your smoking, your distance, your moodiness, your forgetfulness, when you didn't write me a love letter, when I wasn't sure what you wanted, when you wouldn't burn me a mix CD, when we wouldn't go on dates, when you wouldn't meet me for lunch, when you wanted space. I forgave when you cheated on me.

I will own my part in this, which is that I held on to a lot of bad behavior... for a long time. But every minute, I was trying. I was trying to be better for you.

And I also imposed my plans on you. I imposed my dreams on you. Because at first you were on board, and then you weren't. And that hurt a lot. You can't call me Wife-To-Be, and then not.

I can't fix you. You have to fix yourself. I can't fix this. I tried. It's supposed to be easier than this. It's supposed to not hurt this much. It's not supposed to take this much talking, and fixing, and changing. But I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop the talks. Because nothing changed. We went over and over and over again, how much we wanted things to change. But they didn't. You never did anything concrete to make it better. You just strung me along. You didn't stand up to me. You just kept me hoping, kept me hoping, instead of standing up and saying "this isn't working".

I'm angry at you, and I miss you.

And I have to believe that I'll find someone again.

But first, I have to find myself.

All of the pieces that I lost when I was with you.

All of the compromises that I made, that I thought I would never make.

All the dreams that I had that weren't fulfilled.

All of the things that I wanted that you wouldn't give.

I still want them. I still deserve them.

I am not ordinary. I am extraordinary. And I hope in the next few months, I realize this. I hope I have moments when I can appreciate that I'm beautiful, and smart, and brilliant, and funny. And that I'm desirable, and wonderful, and emotionally mature, and that I have depth and wisdom. And the right person will appreciate every inch of these qualities, will appreciate me, and will know that even though relationships can be hard, one with me is WORTH IT. It's worth it... because I would have given you everything.

I.... did... give you everything. I'm worth trying. I'm worth going halfway for. And though I can't conceive of ever loving someone ever again, I know that it will happen. I know that there will be a day when I don't cry at all. I know that it will be two steps forward, and then one back. I know that there will be nights I don't sleep, and nights when I miss you so much that I feel as if I'm going to break open and explode with the pain.

It's a death. It's a death, Sean.

Even typing your name hurts.

You were there. And then you weren't.

You were the love of my life. Until you weren't.

You were my pick. My match. My choice. Until you weren't.

You were here. In my life. With me. Next to me. My partner.

And now you're not.

And I just have to breathe through this. Get through it, hour by hour. Forgive myself for the hurt and the pain, for my actions, for the sadness, for reaching out over and over again to the same people, asking them to tell me the same thing. They will be here for me. They will always be here for me. Even when you're not.

I can be brave. I can take it, each hour. I will cry and ache, ache, ache, ache, ache for the loss of you.

But I will get through it.

Little by little.

Piece by piece.

I will remember everything that I loved about myself. I will remember all of the things that there are to love. I will not feel guilty for admiring myself constantly, for feeling beautiful and grand and special. I need to love myself. I need to hug myself at night. I will NOT EVER FEEL AGAIN like I don't deserve everything. Not someone who will necessarily treat me like a princess. Not someone who will put me on a pedestal. Not just anyone.

But someone who knows I'm worth it. For better or for worse. For all of my wonderful qualities, and all of my not-so-great qualities. Someone who feels as lucky as I do. Someone who makes me feel lucky.

I deserve that.

I will find it.

I will miss you. Every day.

But I deserve this.

And I will find love.

And I will love myself.

And I will never again make the mistake of falling in love and losing myself.