Jump Awn It

Time to get back on track. Esmond thinks that I'm a royal fuck-up.

Can't have that happening anymore.


I am good at my job. Thorough. Complete. A hard-worker. Gotta keep my eyes on the prize.

Much Better

I did have high hopes for yesterday: I did. I thought that even if I'm not driven enough to read that full manuscript from the lovely downy fluff of my bed, I could at least respond to a few emails, finish up the YoungHouseLove notes, etc. etc.

Well, eff that. It took almost alllll of my sapped, clog-nosed energy to drive home, down a half cup of Nyquil, and crawl back in bed. Four hours later, I crawled out, groggy, drained, and wiped. I watched five Taylor Swift music videos, ate some pasta, and then (surprise!) fell asleep again.

Today, I'm back at work, up and at 'em, and even though I wish Sean had spent the night, I think in hindsight it's good that he didn't. I was a stuffed up, runny-nosed mess (we can spare him that). Now we can hopefully spend some time this weekend together without me feeling obligated to separate. Also I got to see Boy on the T. And even though I had to sexily mime biting the pad of my thumb because I couldn't close my mouth (can't breathe through my nose), he still STILL smiled at me. Yum-o!

So much to do before the party tomorrow. Cleaning and sewing and baking... oh my! I've got to prioritize, fo sure. But it's going to be a fun one! Lots of great people, interesting dynamics, etc. May need to bow out early from drinks tonight, as I need to be home by eight, minimum.

Fears

I just have to remember that I'm a good person. I am. I'm there for Meg, and I have been there for Meg, whenever, WHENEVER she's needed me. I swallow a lot of hurt and pain and try to suck it up and give her what she needs. And I don't ...

Sometimes my heart hurts when I think that I'm a good person, and then I think I think I'm a good person, and then I wonder if I'm like Aunt Sue. And I think what I think, but in reality, I'm actually a total retard with my head up my ass who nobody has the guts to confront about my total self-obsession and idiocy.

Sometimes I'm scared that I'm exactly what Meg says, which is crazy and self-obsessed and self-righteous and above all, that I don't understand anything about anyone.

And unfortunately, relations with people like Rachel and Baldi and Mizi just cement that.

Crazy

Having to deal all day every day with a boss who wants to know "Where have you been hiding my mail?" or "How do I program the alarm on my cell phone?" really really truly makes me want to kill myself.

Because I don't have better things to do than maliciously hide your mail.

I Am A Good Person

I am a good person.

Congrats Me

In the past half hour, have just simultaneously flipped shit on Rachel and Meg both.

Rachel is just the world's biggest cunt. And I don't really give a shit whether or not things with her change.

But Meg? Jesus, I'm done with that camp. I'm not subjecting myself to her anger and rage for the next six months just because she has no outlet for any of it.


But I'm really, really, really goddam upset right now.

I Wish I Was More Mature About This

But in all honesty, being able to bitch about Cunty Coworker to Sara (thank you Sara) feels soooooo soooooo good. Fucking whore.